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Isolation and Loneliness are Hazardous to Our Health
“According to a US Surgeon General advisory, isolation [my addition] and loneliness are associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, and anxiety, and it increases the risk of premature death by approximately 26%. Our need to be a part of a community is not strange or unusual. We’re hardwired to connect because being part of a community is not just nice, it’s necessary for our survival. So what’s the antidote to loneliness? Yep, you guessed it – friendship!” write Rachel Steinman and Rachel Winter, Friendship Ambassadors, in their new book Stay Golden, Girls: Friendship Is The New Marriage. Illustrated by Marina Lina, this girlfriends’ gift book pops with bold, joyful art celebrating women’s friendships around the world, and from the beginning of time.
I had the golden opportunity to meet The Rachels, whose friendship goes back three decades. They get, and share—eloquently and succinctly—what I’ve been writing to you about for many years, readers:
- We are wired to be in relationships.
- We are wired to be with people in person (without devices).
- We have to work on all of our relationships, which include friendships.
I had such a great time with them. There were lots of questions, answers, listening, sharing of stories and goals, compassion, and laughter. If that’s not good medicine, I don’t know what is!
Girlfriends Shine and Dream
The Rachels pointed out that along with the joys of being with your partner, there are also the stresses of daily life, money and family. Essentially, we’re “stuck” with our partner in a committed relationship (which is why I write Couple’s Net for you: to offer tools you can practice daily to build better relationships).
Girlfriends come minus all those pressures and “unconditional love”. Friends can have conditions (such as we take care of ourselves and each other; plus, we get to remind one another of that when we see a friend not caring for herself well). “We can be cavalier with friends,” we can reflect back and challenge them (regarding positive or negative situations), while they do that for us. The currency of friendship is this: We have to water the seeds, weed and fertilize. It takes work to grow our friendships. One reader told Rachel W. that recognizing her power as a woman and mother through her friendships helped her significant-other relationship get better. Friends allow us to grow and shine, which helps us rise to the inevitable curve-balls that come our way.
In friendship, we also learn to receive. My oldest close friend is in cancer treatment right now (it’s going well, and the type of cancer she has tends to return). I was visiting recently and found out the Waterman fountain pen I gave her 30 years ago had died, and she’d bought a cheap replacement. We’re both writers. When I told her I was getting her a new high-quality fountain pen again, she tried hard to deflect my offer. I said, “You’re in cancer treatment. I live far away. There aren’t too many things I can do to help and support you other than phone calls, texts, and sending love from afar. Please let me do this for you.” She relented; she chose to receive. She loves her new pen, and thinks of me and my support every day when she writes.
Inspiration
The Rachels were inspired to write Stay Golden, Girls by a couple of news items:
- A group of Chinese women (in a culture in which women are not valued) decided to buy a decrepit house to fix up and live in. Their plan is to grow old together.
- Single moms choosing to create and live in “Mommunes” for both practical and supportive reasons.
Afterall, intimacy=into-me-you-see. “Platonic friendships and intimacy is a global concept that feels more and more real,” Rachel S. said.
Friendship as Therapy
People are meant to be connected, to communicate (and all of us can learn better communication skills). Think about how you feel better after being with a friend. We’re not staring at a screen. We’re looking into compassionate eyes. Being face-to-face and connecting calms our nervous system, it bumps us out of fight/flight mode. Laughter releases serotonin in our brain, the feel-good chemical. It helps us be emotionally stable, more focused, happier and calmer.
Friends Come and Go
Friendships do change, and come and go, as you know. Friends usually fall into one of these categories:
- Convenience: Built on proximity, such as friends we make through a hobby or interest or those who live in our neighborhood.
- Work friends: Because of your work environment, those who understand the struggles you’re facing and can validate your feelings offer a kind of support that no other friend can.
- Same-chapter-of-life: In different phases of life, it’s important to be supported by others who are experiencing the same struggles.
- Close friends: These are the girlfriends you’ve known for many years who have been with you the through ups and downs. There may be periods where you’re not in touch but you can pick up right where you left off at any point, and can always call them when you’re in need.
- Lifelong: Intwined with close friends, these are your friends who you’ve known most of your life. They’ve watched and helped you grow up, plus they are aware of your core issues (your Attachment style) because they have the context of knowing your family and siblings.
I have a friend I’ve known since 1973. In the last few years, we’ve shifted to Close Friends. Work or convenience friends can become Close Friends when both women put in the effort. One-sided friendships are painful.
I brought up the topic of being dropped by a friend and how painful that is. Hopefully you haven’t had more a couple of those in your life because it “feels like a death. But it’s not a death. It’s heartbreaking,” said Rachel S. Then Rachel W. jumped in, “There are symptoms and the actual problem.” These can be things such as lack of shared values or morals which get ignored. She went on to say, “The relationship will die if you don’t water the seeds, or rely on a superficial friendship which is fun and full of good times.”
Often, the cracks don’t show up until you’re in a challenging situation. (This is true with partners, too. For example, no one knows what or how having kids will test you. Kids put strain on a couple relationship that you could never have anticipated or experienced during dating or the years of your relationship without kids.) Maybe the cracks were there all along; you were too young or too immature when you became friends. “Girls are not socialized for female friendship.” Many friendships were cemented during Covid, and now friends relish seeing one another in person. Yet many friendships did not survive. Plus, we all know the evil, awful aspects of social media which tear down girls and boys, women and men. Rachel S. added that, “Social media vs. in-person friends helps you understand what a real friend is.”
“Before you give up on a friend who has disappeared, consider that she may be having a tough time. Maybe she’s depressed or anxious. Don’t take it personally. Keep checking in. It might be a month until she replies. But the reply could be: ‘I was having a hard time. Knowing you were there helped me.’ You have to know when to back away or keep going.” At least if you try to stay curious or make amends if one is needed, at the end of your life when you reflect back, you will know: This one’s not on me.
New Friends
While you’re “known” by old friends, new friends are revitalizing, and can become part of your lifeline. An example of this is that when I moved, I told my husband, “If I don’t make any new friends, I’m okay with that. I have my close friends, and distance won’t change that. Surprisingly, since my husband is the extrovert and I’m the introvert, I expected it would take a long time to make new friends. I’ve made several new friends in the first few months (many from walking my dog). They fall into different friend categories at this point. I feel so fortunate to have friends close by my new home.
Goals: Community, Connection, Friendship
The Rachels have big goals. The top ones are community, connection and friendship. They are donating 10% of their proceeds to Girls, Inc., who they are “blown away” by. Girls, Inc. has been around for 160 years (since 1864 for those of us who don’t want to do the math)! Their charter is to mentor girls and young women. The Rachels plan to write a girl’s friendship book next—the antidote to mean girls, isolation and loneliness—and after that get involved in men’s friendships. As discussed, friendship is important to our mental health.
Gal/Pal/Valentine
Building on the term Galentine’s Day (February 13), which was coined by Michael Schur on Parks and Recreation, The Rachels recommend planning a Galentine’s celebration with your girlfriends or pals. As simple or elaborate as you choose, keep watering and adding compost to your friendships.
Comfort for All
On a related, but different topic, everyone who goes out to celebrate, eat, listen to music or travel deserves comfortable, accessible surroundings. I had the opportunity to speak with Elysia Everett, the CEO and founder of accessibility app (and website) Friendly Like Me (FLM), “for finding accessible travel, dining, shopping and entertainment options for people with disabilities and people of size.”
Elysia was an engaging executive to talk with. “I prefer chairs without arms and booth tables that move,” she told me. As a person with migraines, I need places to go that aren’t too loud, bright or have flashing lights. The idea of Friendly Like Me is to be the Yelp of accessibility; a consumer focused app and search engine. Elysia said she hopes businesses will go beyond complying with ADA regulations, and focus on comfort for their patrons. FLM is also a crowd-sourced app. “People who visit restaurants, theme parks, concerts and so on may chime in with their accessibility experiences.”
What will get businesses to focus on comfort and not just meeting regs? Consider this: One in four US households has a differently-abled, chronically- or mentally- ill person in residence. If it were easier to get to—and enjoy—where one wants to go, a lot of money will follow.
In closing, I may have made new friends through these interviews! “Make new friends, and keep the old. One is silver, the other’s gold.” – A traditional Girl Scouts song