Help for grieving kids Help for grieving kids (November 09, 2005)

Books advise adults on ways to aid children during loss

by the Stanford Health Library

The holiday season, traditionally a time for childhood happiness, can be especially difficult for children who have lost a loved one. For bereaved children, the holidays may trigger painful feelings that have begun to subside or bring on new feelings such as sadness or anger.

Children and adolescents do not respond to loss in the same way adults do. Whether the loss they are grieving is death, divorce, or something else, children need a supportive adult to help them cope. Often, it is the quality of support received, especially from parents, that determines whether the child's adjustment is successful.

For caring adults, it's not always easy to know the best way to help a grieving child. There are some excellent books, however, at the Stanford Health Library that can provide some direction. Three are discussed below.

Both parents and professionals who work with grieving children will find "Without You: Children and Young People Growing Up with Loss and its Effects" (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2005) a valuable tool. Author Tamar Granot explains the immediate and long-term effects of loss, such as the death of a close family member, divorce, or parental abandonment, for each stage of a child's development. She tells how to help children grow up healthy and well-adjusted, despite sad experiences.

Compassionately and clearly written, the book combines current theory and research related to loss, separation, trauma, personality, psychodynamics, child development and family systems. Granot has successfully written a book that makes complex issues understandable for the lay person, yet is sophisticated enough to provide significant value to mental health professionals. A glossary defines professional terms for those who may be unfamiliar with them. By the author's admission, this is not an emotionally easy book to read -- it may dredge up painful memories for some -- but its value to those who care for bereaved children is unquestionable.

"Lost for Words: Loss and Bereavement Awareness Training" by John Holland, Ruth Dance, Nic MacManus and Carole Stitt (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2005) is a package of loss awareness training materials, primarily designed for school teachers and social workers, to help them support pupils who are grieving. The information included, however, provides valuable information for any adult, parent or friend who wants to effectively help a child deal with bereavement. Material in the book is simply presented in a format designed for a classroom, with bulleted points ideal for overhead projector or the copy machine. It is easy to understand the points made. For example, the page entitled "Feelings on the return to school," simply states the following emotions: Ignored, Isolated, Normal, Embarrassed, No memory, Uncertain and Different. This book is British, so the resources section at the end lists agencies "across the pond"; however, there is a reading list that identifies age-appropriate books on the subject that readers in this country may find useful.

"Healing Children's Grief: Surviving a Parent's Death from Cancer" by Grace Hyslop Christ (Oxford University Press, 2000) is the result of a study conducted at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. The book follows the stories of 88 families and 157 children, aged 3-17, who over a period of seven years participated in a parent-guidance intervention program through the terminal illness and death of one of the parents. Hyslop Christ analyzes systematic research and makes it applicable in real life. The book is written for her fellow academic researchers and teachers, professionals who serve bereaved children, and the families and friends of children who have lost a parent. The theoretical context and research methodology used in conducting the study precedes the moving stories of the children involved, who've been grouped by age based on common developmental stages.

Hyslop Christ's book emphasizes the need for grieving children to receive timely and age-appropriate information from parents and professionals willing to overcome their own personal issues to provide support. Of special value to parents are specific recommendations based upon the author's observations of successful parent-child interactions.

The Health Library offers a number of other excellent books on the subject of children and loss, in addition to those discussed above. Worthy of note are: "The Grieving Child: A Parent's Guide" by Helen Fitzgerald (Simon & Schuster, 1992); "Learning to Say Good-Bye: When a Parent Dies" by Eda LeShan (Avon, 1988); "Helping Children Cope With Separation and Loss" by Claudia Jewett (Harvard Common Press, 1982); "Losing Someone You Love: When a Brother or Sister Dies" by Elizabeth Richter ( Putman, 1986); and "Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers: How to Cope With Losing Someone You Love" by Earl Grollman (Beacon Press, 1993).

These books can be borrowed from the Stanford Health Library. More information on the topic can be found on the Health Library Web site (http://healthlibrary.stanford.edu) using the "search" link.

The Stanford Health Library is located at the Stanford Shopping Center near Bloomingdales'; on the third floor of Stanford Hospital; or on the main level of Stanford's Cancer Center. Contact the library at (650) 725-8400 or e-mail healthlibrary@stanfordmed.org.

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