Board of Contributors: Moms: Lighten up, enjoy the ride. Board of Contributors: Moms: Lighten up, enjoy the ride. (May 04, 2005)

by Nancy McGaraghan

Sometimes we mom's put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to "get it right."

For example: Balancing the kids' pictures on the fridge.

The other day I found myself, perhaps in a kind of subconscious pre-Mother's Day ritual, carefully selecting snapshots that would give equal representation to each one of our kids and grandkids. They do not even live in town. But fair is fair. Imagine the hurt feelings if one suddenly showed up and saw that he or she was slighted in the family gallery.

And what about our married son and daughter-in-law who have no children? How many pictures of their dog would it take to keep the scales balanced? Then there is the unmarried son ....

And so it goes, from ridiculous to more ridiculous. You get the picture.

Pictures on the fridge are a small thing. But many of us recognize that this is symptomatic of a bigger compulsion. We want things to come out evenly for the kids. Responding to the needs of one makes us worry about slighting the others. Peace in the family, so we think, depends on a perception among the children that mom and dad love each child equally.

But wait. Just as we parents begin to feel like martyrs to the cause of peace in the ranks we get the message from our kids that the one thing they need most from us is independence. Now the balancing is not about equality but between help and affection on the one hand and keeping a distance and objectivity worthy of King Solomon on the other.

So much for the kids. What about mom and dad?

My friends talk about how much time they devote to their grandkids. One woman has five married children. If she sees each family once a week, she has no time for herself.

This reminds me of the advice to airline passengers: "In case of an emergency or sudden change in altitude, put on your own oxygen mask first, then help those around you."

For everyone's sake, mom and dad need to have a life of their own. And let's be honest; Dad seems more able to take this all in stride. He can have fun when the kids are around and not pine away when they are not. Women find those babies irresistible. Besides this, we want to be the perfect mothers, mothers-in-law and grandmothers. But perfection, even we know at some level deep inside, "is totally overrated."

My mother, whose first grandchild was born when her youngest child was only 8 years old, was not bashful about letting the family know grandmothering was not for her -- at least not yet.

What sounded strange at the time now seems like nothing less than her survival strategy. We, too, can learn to set limits.

Time is not all we want to give our kids. Most of my Palo Alto friends are living in houses with the mortgages paid off, or with mortgage payments that are smaller than the kids' monthly grocery bills. Call it guilt or empathy -- either way we wonder what we can do to help this generation meet the surreal cost of housing. Some parents are still helping with tuition payments, medical bills, car payments or plain old monthly bills.

Sorting out our time commitment looks like nothing compared to arriving at the appropriate level of financial help. What is too much? What is too little? Does it come with strings attached, subtle or not so subtle?

We were poor. Shouldn't we let the kids manage on their own?

Here is the good news: There are no perfect answers to any of these questions. It is not about getting it "right." Our kids and their circumstances are all different. We will drive them and ourselves crazy trying to make everything equal. It is enough to offer what we can, and be grateful for all the ways our lives intersect.

That timeless philosopher Mae West put her own spin on perfection: "I used to be Snow White ... but I drifted." Drifting, in another sense of "going with the flow," could be a refreshing change for everyone. It is a gift we mom's can make to ourselves, not just on Mother's Day, but all through the year.

Those pictures on the fridge are my lifeline to what matters most to me. When I treat them as a balancing act or an exercise in getting something right I miss the smiles, the bright eyes, and baby Aengus's triple chins. I miss seeing how much fun our kids are having, as parents and emerging adults.

My friend told me that when her mother was in her 80s she was still trying to balance time spent on family and herself. That ought to tell us that we will not find the perfect solution once and for all.

Nor do we need to feel the pressure to "get it right." Why not "let 'er drift," trucker slang for an easy downgrade, and enjoy this great ride?

Nancy McGaraghan is a member of the Weekly's Board of Contributors, and a teacher and board member of Gracenter in San Francisco. She can be e-mailed at chezmcg@hotmail.com.

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