Board of Contributors: Rush Limbaugh gets the council's ear, takes a bite Board of Contributors: Rush Limbaugh gets the council's ear, takes a bite (June 04, 2003)

by Gerald Brett

City Council staff liaison Truman Faux was more surprised than anyone to receive a package, wrapped in plain brown paper, from someone in the camp of conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh recently.

Inside was a secret pamphlet entitled, "The Red-White-and-Blue Guide to City Council Protocols." A note on the cover said, "Have the commies on the council read this right after they say their pledge of allegiance to Fidel Castro."

A hand-painted self-portrait of Limbaugh took up the book's front and back covers. A table of contents listed 10 chapters, which Faux encapsulated in a hastily called press conference in the middle of the Palo Alto High School football field. Faux (pronounced fo) spoke rapidly, glancing backwards often.

Here are Limbaugh's rules of conduct for his followers:

1) Look a council member straight in the eye when you call him a left-wing traitor. If "he" turns out to be "her," make a rude gesture to show how little regard you have for female politicians. Remember: If Bill Clinton had stared down Osama Bin Laden, then President Bush would have more time to pursue oil drilling in Alaska.

2) Roll your eyes at any council member who doesn't agree that Hillary Clinton should have been impeached along with her socialist, marijuana-smoking, womanizing husband.

3) Show the liberals on the dais what "body language" really means -- throw your entire girth on anyone who proposes another anti-war resolution. "Body language" the person a second time if he or she complains about the economy under Bush, explaining that the President's next tax cut will produce twice as many new jobs as the first one did.

4) Try not to be excessively coarse in your speech, and limit yourself to the following vulgarisms of un-Americanism: liberal, humanist, progressive, left-winger, leftist, commie wimp bastard, Democrat, anti-war, pacifist, civil rights provocateur, civil libertarian, pro-choice hard-liner, United Nations extremist, card-carrying ACLU member, and Clintonite (either Bill or Hillary, or both).

5) Bring a rifle (unloaded) to a meeting to psychologically smoke out the anti-NRA wimp behind the dais. Once you find out who he (or she) is, make a pistol shape with your hand every time the anti-American loser speaks. See how long it takes before another seat on the council is vacated.

6) Demand that the council rename Earth Day in honor of President Bush. Threaten to call Arnold Schwarzenegger on anyone who balks.

7) Pound your fist on the table and announce that anyone who doubts the need for the USA Patriot Act should go back to Canada.

8.) Throw your gold necklace at any council member who proposes a pre-emptory, first-strike anti-war resolution opposing future attacks on North Korea, Syria, Iran, Canada, France, China, Russia, Belgium or Northern California.

9) Make a "nah-nah" gesture at anyone who opposes your proposal to have female council members sit behind the men if discussions turn rancorous. Use "femi-Nazi" to describe anyone who dissents.

10) Remember that incivility in the defense of liberty is no vice; that wimpy, tree-hugging niceness in the face of commie subversion is no virtue; that a good sock in the eye never bothered a true patriot.

Faux ran off at the end of the meeting before answering questions. Word has it that, for budgetary reasons, the council will not seek candidates to fill his position. And no one knew if Mayor Mossar received a copy of Limbaugh's priceless text.

Gerald Brett is the founder of Language Pacifica and is a recently reappointed member of the Palo Alto Public Art Commission. He is a member of the Weekly's Board of Contributors, and can be e-mailed at gerald_brett@yahoo.com.