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Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Porn

Uploaded: Apr 9, 2021
I realized I have not written about porn, and that it would be a good idea to do so. This could be a huge topic with lots of offshoots, but mostly I want to share the simple truths I've seen and heard in my office over the years.

-She will find out.
-You will be in the dog house.
-It is a trust betrayal.
-It takes a long time to get over (i.e., work through).
-There probably won't be any sex for a while.
-She feels it means she's not enough for you.
-She finds it disgusting and demeaning.
-He finds it titillating.
-He doesn't think it's a big deal; most guys look at porn once in a while.
-His view: if she would have sex with me (once or twice a week), I would not need to look at porn.
-If she looked at porn, and then did the deed with me, I'd be a happy man.
-She looks at porn and I find it exciting.
-She looks at porn and I'm mortified.
-We both like porn and watch it together.
-We've never talked about porn.

As with every other topic, I recommend you talk about porn -- before it becomes an issue.


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Comments

 +   7 people like this
Posted by Citizen Paine, a resident of another community,
on Apr 10, 2021 at 6:27 am

Citizen Paine is a registered user.

I have heard one confident partner say: "Sexuality is in our genes -and everywhere. I don't care so much where they get their appetite, as long as they dine at home."


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Jennifer, a resident of another community,
on Apr 10, 2021 at 8:32 am

Jennifer is a registered user.

I agree that couples should take about issues in their relationship, especially marriage. This isn't an issue in every relationship (some couples are on the same page)and if they're not, do you really want to "go there?"


 +  Like this comment
Posted by VAB , a resident of Downtown,
on Apr 15, 2021 at 8:48 am

VAB is a registered user.

Pretty Kinky,, they don't have a real marriage


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Citizen Paine, a resident of another community,
on Apr 15, 2021 at 11:40 am

Citizen Paine is a registered user.

Oh VAB, I really hope you're happy. But, if you believe that there's only one route to a 'real' marriage, I think you've made your first mistake.

I'd be interested in Chandrama's PoV.


 +   2 people like this
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on Apr 15, 2021 at 3:10 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

In my work, if the couple agrees - with a good heart - and not out of fear or coercion - then it’s not my place to judge or try to change their minds.

My job is to help people figure out what they need and how to effectively communicate that. The relationship is the priority, not the individuals.

There’s no single definition of a real marriage. Each couple creates what works for them.


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