By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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"Men talk . . . all the time . . . in normal daily intercourse, men never shut up . . . Three men building a stone wall. Talk, talk, talk. . . On and on . . . Ad nauseam . . . When they finish and it's time to relax, that's when they shut up. Have you ever seen workmen eating lunch? . . . Not one word. With women it's exactly the opposite. We get down to work, and . . all business, only shorthand talk allowed . . . But when the pies are in the oven, they sit down with their cups of tea and the fun begins. To a man, talk is work; to a woman it's reward."
- From the novel "Three Stages of Amazement" by Carol Edgarian
I found this quite striking and wonder what you think?
We know from research that men do "side-by-side" talk (e.g., while a ball game is on and they are sitting next to each other, playing golf, during an activity). Women have "face-to-face" talk (sitting down facing one another or in a group of friends to talk about things).
What, then, is couple's talk? Cross-gender talk? Is it this simple why it can be difficult for men and women to talk? Timing? Activity or not? Where you sit?
I propose you and your partner devise a few experiments for talking. Try talking while walking; while sitting side-by-side; while face-to-face; while doing an activity or chore. Try them more than once since there are so many potentially impacting influences (tired, in a hurry, more or less open at the moment, etc.). See what happens.