Premarital and Couples: In-Laws and the Holidays: Three Tips | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Premarital and Couples: In-Laws and the Holidays: Three Tips

Uploaded: Dec 18, 2020
I hope you have wonderful, loving, accepting in-laws. Whether you do or not, here are three tips for in-laws and the holidays:

1. Remember that you and your partner are now the primary commitment you have. Choose your partner over your in-laws (I recommend choosing your partner every day and letting him or her know that). This means if there is a question, issue, or dispute, you side with your partner in the moment. You can talk about it in private later.

2. Use the time with your in-laws to just notice family patterns. I am not encouraging you to talk about it right now. And when you do, ask the person whose parents these are what he or she noticed before you start talking!

Notice such things as: Who talks? Who is quiet? What topics are discussed, what topics not broached? Are the words and body language saying the same thing? Who drinks, and how much? Is that a concern? Do you or your partner revert to childhood behavior around your in-laws? If so, what brings it out? What else do you notice? Do you see, hear or feel interactions that are familiar in your relationship?

3. Take breaks. If you have kids, leave them with your in-laws and go out on a date (in which you don't talk about your kids or in-laws). If you don't have kids, steer yourselves (or your in-laws) out on an adventure (a walk, shopping, takeaway meal, etc.).

After they go home, relax. After you relax, you can talk about the visit. Ask questions and be curious about what the adult child noticed about his or her family. When you share what you noticed (after listening well), you might phrase it, "Did you notice . . .?" This may make it easier for your partner to take in what you noticed without becoming defensive.

Your in-laws are unlikely to change. Disappointing, I know, but you have to deal with "what is." Therefore you and your partner need to figure out together how to handle in-law issues.

Good luck and happy holidays!
Democracy.
What is it worth to you?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post

Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.

Email:

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed.

Get the day's top headlines from Palo Alto Online sent to your inbox in the Express newsletter.

Backhaus in Burlingame finally opens for the holiday rush
By The Peninsula Foodist | 0 comments | 2,819 views

Burning just one "old style" light bulb can cost $150 or more per year
By Sherry Listgarten | 11 comments | 2,597 views

Fun Things to Do Around the Bay This Holiday – Peninsula Edition
By Laura Stec | 8 comments | 2,416 views

Banning the public from PA City Hall
By Diana Diamond | 25 comments | 1,956 views

Premiere! “I Do I Don’t: How to build a better marriage” – Here, a page/weekday
By Chandrama Anderson | 2 comments | 1,082 views

 

Palo Alto Weekly Holiday Fund

For the last 30 years, the Palo Alto Weekly Holiday Fund has given away almost $10 million to local nonprofits serving children and families. 100% of the funds go directly to local programs. It’s a great way to ensure your charitable donations are working at home.

DONATE TODAY