Premarital and Couples: Trump Paid $750 in Taxes | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Premarital and Couples: Trump Paid $750 in Taxes

Uploaded: Oct 1, 2020
At our house, we believe that black lives matter. We believe it’s time to end racism and sexism. We believe that all people matter and it’s time to end hate.

What happens if you are a couple divided about politics?

What happens if you read in the NY Times that Trump paid $750 in taxes in 2016 and 2017, and have differing reactions to that information?

You can agree to disagree.

You can have an important dialogue about how you each feel. That means you have to listen and feed back what you heard. Please remember doing so does not mean you agree with what your beloved has said; just that you heard and are feeding it back.

Feelings and content are different. Using the above example, content is the $750 Trump paid in taxes. Process is how you feel about that.

People react immediately to content because brains are wired for safety: am I going to live or die? And that happens in 1/200th of a second. That comes from the limbic/emotional part of the brain. It’s to be able to run from a predator, or pull your child back to the curb. Unfortunately, it’s also an instinct that arises with your partner when it’s not necessarily needed.

Feeling connected and that you belong are about process. That’s responding (not reacting). That comes from your cognitive (thinking) and limbic brain (when you’re not emotionally flooded).

I picked the Trump tax situation because it’s liable to cause a strong reaction one way or another. You may be thinking, “What did I pay in taxes those years?”

And yet many topics engender a powerful reaction, not a response. The top three are money, sex, and power. But politics, in-laws, kids, vacations, work/home balance, and religion are up there, too.

In order to deescalate things between you, remember you’re talking to your beloved, slow everything down, be curious, ask questions, show love and kindness. And you don’t have to agree on everything. You just have to be able to talk about it calmly.
We need your support now more than ever. Can we count on you?

Comments

 +   6 people like this
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on Oct 6, 2020 at 6:39 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Folks, if you have a couples comment, please post it. If it's a political comment, please post it on another forum.


 +   3 people like this
Posted by Kevin, a resident of Castlewood,
on Oct 8, 2020 at 1:55 pm

Kevin is a registered user.

Thanks you Chandrama for publishing a blog on this topic. I have professional relationships with people who think COVID is not a big deal and less than 10,000 people have died from it instead of over 210,000. I always avoid political discussions with these people because of my professional relationships with them.

I also have family members who have similar opinions about COVID, think that All Lives Matter. My first reaction to these family members is that I love them for who they are, not just their political point of view. That is why I spend time with them and care about them. We know we have different opinions but we enjoy our lives together and love each other despite our differences. Bottom line:

- family members whom you love - keep loving them
- strangers and professional relationships- avoid these topics unless it is the proper forum.


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