Couples: Are you Committed to your Vows or Dysfunction? | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Couples: Are you Committed to your Vows or Dysfunction?

Uploaded: Jul 31, 2020
At one time I am sure that you were committed to your vows. Think back to your wedding. Remember how happy you felt. You were certain when you married that this person, your beloved, was the right choice for you. You had plans and dreams and hopes.

After living together for a while, you got to know each other (and yourself) better. The shine may have dimmed a bit. You can regain it. The downward cycle can become the upward cycle of love and support once again.

Right now, I want you to consider if you’re committed to your vows or dysfunction. Please go find your vows and look them over. Then, check in with yourself, not your beloved, as to how you’re doing living up to them.

Next, look at your checkbook (or the electronic equivalent), your calendar, and your texts and devices. How are you meeting your vows? How have each of you grown and changed? What might you and your partner need now to keep growing your love?

Next, you need to have a conversation that is kind and gentle about your self-rating. Let your beloved rate him/herself.

Why isn’t it easy to be a couple?

Everyone wants love, acceptance, security; a haven. Start with that. Your day-to-day life, (especially if you have kids), brings out family of origin issues, insecurities, etc. So you have to make choices and prioritize your relationship to create or recreate a safe, loving marriage that meets or exceeds your vows. Your kids will be healthy if you do this.

It’s vulnerable to be truly open to your beloved. You probably didn’t see this growing up, so you have little idea how to let yourself be vulnerable. Most people see huge risk in vulnerability. Which is true. But the rewards are also amazing. You get to be seen, heard, understood, and supported.

Being in a relationship reflects back what you might need to work on. These might be your fears, communication skills, not knowing how to be an anchor (as opposed to being a wave or island), etc. Once you figure it out, get to work on your own issues. You’ll be a better partner.

Sheltering is bringing issues to the fore that in the past could be glossed over by daily lack of physical presence due to long work hours. People who are “stuck” together are rubbing up against each other; it can polish you as stones get polished by tumbling around together. It’s also healthy to have alone time to do self-care and things you enjoy.

If you show up truly as yourself, will you be accepted? And if you don’t, who gets loved? Your persona.











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Comments

 +  Like this comment
Posted by Jennifer, a resident of another community,
10 hours ago

Jennifer is a registered user.

If you're married to the right person, committed to your vows, and you're cut out for marriage... I don't think it's that hard to be a couple. Some people are married to the wrong person, and not everyone is cut out for marriage or relationships. This lockdown is a true litmus test.


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