By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Those of you who are my clients already know that I encourage you to be thankful and appreciative, even for the small things that you expect your partner to do, and to say "Thank you" often and specifically. For example., "Thank you for doing the dishes," or "Thank you for bringing me coffee in bed," or "Thank you for being a great parent when you encouraged Joe with his algebra," or "I appreciate it when you rub my back," or "I appreciate you listening and making eye contact with me when we talk," and so on.
Dr. John Gottman of the Seattle "Love Lab" has done extensive couples research and has determined a 5:1 ratio -- you need to say at least five positive things to your partner for every poor thing you say, in order for your relationship to last. So your appreciation and saying thank you are critically important to the health of your relationship.
What do you have to be grateful about? To feel grateful about? Notice at least three things each day you are grateful for, and say so!
Even if things are difficult, notice the small, medium or large things you can do to make things better or different. Notice your partner's efforts, too, and appreciate each one, specifically.
I am thankful, grateful, and appreciative of my clients. Thank you for letting me into your life, your mind, and your heart. It is truly an honor to walk part of your path with you.
I am grateful for my family and friends, especially for the specific help you provided this past year, and the loving care that brought us all to this New Year. I am grateful to my the mom of my heart, Natalie, who passed away five years ago, and gave birth to my husband who brings me joy every day.