"Better" Dads and "Re-invigorated" Moms: Happier Couples | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

"Better" Dads and "Re-invigorated" Moms: Happier Couples

Uploaded: Jul 12, 2019
I read an article by Rachel Zucker on the NY Times website: "Honey, Let's Get a Little Divorced."  One thing that caught my attention was Rachel's wondering why she hears of post-divorce Dads becoming better Dads, and post-divorce Moms returning to set-aside dreams and "finding themselves."  Dad takes charge of parenting more (without Mom's interventions or criticisms), and Mom becomes more independent, without the Mom-guilt.

Take a few minutes to read her article, and as you do, think about your own relationship, and without judgment, notice where you fall on the spectrum of the mom/dad dynamic and husband/wife interactions, and the idea of egalitarianism in your relationship. Just notice.

Of course there are many dynamics to observe in your marriage, especially when you've been together for a while, but these two are often intertwined in a way that lead to decreased personal and marital happiness.  I have seen and continue to see couples struggling with this. It builds resentment, and alters our "rose colored glasses" to a dirty brown color; and that is no way to see or be seen by our partner.

You get into a story about each other that keeps you from being connected. Think of holding two magnets in the wrong direction: that push apart that you viscerally know. It happens in your primary relationship, too. And that is one lonely place to be.

The next time you think, or are about to say something, or judge your partner about how he or she does something, PAUSE, and think about what will be magnets pushing away, or magnets pulling toward connection. Experiment with words, thoughts, and feelings that bring you together. Notice how you feel. Just notice, without judgment.
What is democracy worth to you?
Support local journalism.

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post
To post your comment, please login or register at the top of the page. This topic is only for those who have signed up to participate by providing their email address and establishing a screen name.

All your news. All in one place. Every day.

After 39 years of cakes and pastries, Palo Alto institution Prolific Oven to close
By Elena Kadvany | 55 comments | 17,537 views

Local Transit to the Rescue?
By Sherry Listgarten | 16 comments | 2,116 views

The Regional Housing Needs Allocation (RHNA) Process Explained
By Steve Levy | 9 comments | 1,524 views

"You Gotta Have Balls [to do counseling] . . .
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 1,295 views

Do something about assault weapons, now!
By Diana Diamond | 40 comments | 1,171 views

 

Register now!

​On Friday, October 11, join us at the Palo Alto Baylands for a 5K walk, 5K run, 10K run or half marathon! All proceeds benefit local nonprofits serving children and families.

More Info