By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Check out this video on YouTube of baby twins "talking"
to one another. As you're watching, think about how you communicate with your partner. Here are a few things to notice:
Take away the words you speak and put in "Blah, blah, blah".
How and where you stand, how you use your body.
How much "air-time" you each use.
How you listen.
How you respond to what is actually spoken (vs. waiting to talk or going on to another topic without responding to what is said).
How you would feel as each of the partners as you notice the above list.
Perhaps you find it a little intimidating to see how early our communication patterns are set. But don't worry, we now know that brain functioning and neural patterns can change throughout our lifetime: we can change. Yes, of course it is work. And you actually have to want to change!
Change is scary for many of us. It's common for people to keep doing the same things until the pain of not changing outweighs the fear of change. That's often when people come to therapy. Please don't wait until you are in tremendous pain. Treat yourself and your partner as well (or better) than you treat your car. Get a tune-up before you break down at the side of the road.