Premarital and Couples: How to Stop an Argument | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Premarital and Couples: How to Stop an Argument

Uploaded: May 24, 2019
1. Close your mouth (really, it works! But read on . . . ).

2. Make the "T" for time-out signal with your hands.

3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt (his/her intention is useful, even if the impact on you is poor). Most arguments are a panic cry for secure attachment.

4. If your heart rate is 90 or above, you need to take a 20-30 minute break.
After that agree to talk for about 20 minutes.

5. Your goal is to be curious, to understand your partner further. Drop out of content (what the argument appears to be about [symptoms, into process (what you feel emotionally, physically, spiritually).

6. Notice what's happening in your body, notice your partner's body.

7. Share your process, e.g., I am really tight in my shoulders and I feel disrespected. Listen to your partners process. Connect with each other; make eye contact, smile, say "Hi"-- in other words address the need for secure attachment.

8. Once you are both calm, and ready to return to the content of your DISCUSSION, ask: "What is there NEW about this topic?" Do not repeat what's already been said.

9. Your goal is to go slowly, ask questions, check in with each other, have a desire to learn more about yourself and your partner. Your goal is not to make your point, get in a jab, or out-talk your partner.

10. If you're digging in your heels, ask yourself what's going on? Return to step 6.
We need your support now more than ever. Can we count on you?

Comments

 +   2 people like this
Posted by ElaineB, a resident of Duveneck/St. Francis,
on May 24, 2019 at 9:58 am

ElaineB is a registered user.

Excellent advice. Thank you.


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by MomOfTeen, a resident of Palo Verde,
on May 25, 2019 at 10:18 pm

MomOfTeen is a registered user.

I should print this out and put it on my refrigerator -- for arguing with my teenager!


Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.

Email:

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.
Sponsored

6 Steps to master the home buying process during a pandemic
Your no-stress guide to buying a home no matter what the circumstance.

 

Get important election coverage sent straight to your inbox daily.

Vons drops Korean fried chicken on downtown Redwood City
By Elena Kadvany | 1 comment | 22,718 views

Are our recycling bins too big?
By Sherry Listgarten | 12 comments | 2,526 views

I am Voting Yes on Measure RR to Provide Caltrain a Dedicated Revenue Source
By Steve Levy | 5 comments | 1,531 views

Premarital and Couples: See "Buck" for Couple's Tips
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 1,485 views

Nov. 3 -- a critical election -- and now your comments on the first debate
By Diana Diamond | 8 comments | 1,265 views

 

Who is your local hero?

Whether they're grocery shopping for a neighbor or volunteering for a nonprofit, you can spread the joy and support our journalism efforts by giving them a shout-out.

Learn More