By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Valentine's Day, a very commercialized version of "I love you, I'm thinking of you, you're the most important person to me," was three months ago now. Those thoughts are the bedrock of secure attachment. Roses are back to their regular price, jewelry stores are on to their next promotion, and restaurants are serving specials by another name. What are you doing for your partner, your relationship, today?
I am not advocating flowers, jewelry, and fancy dinners everyday (although those are all lovely at times). I am, however, advocating the idea that you can feel the feelings and think the thoughts of secure attachment about your partner everyday.
There are small and large ways to show this: the key is that you each have SPECIFIC ways you want to receive love. Often your partner offers them in the way he or she wants to receive love, and you may perceive that you didn't get their offering. Many hurt feelings and misunderstanding arise out of this.
Notice how you give to your partner, and how he or she is giving to you. Experiment with giving in the way your partner gives, and notice how it goes. Tweak your experiments, stretch yourself (it's not giving in, it's expanding your Self). It's also a good idea to have an explicit conversation about styles of giving and receiving.
Remember that the goal is not to have your relationship be about "me" or "him/her," but to put the good of your relationship first. So love and be loved every day.