Couples: Initiators and Implementors | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Couples: Initiators and Implementors

Uploaded: Oct 12, 2017
I've noticed an issue between couples regarding one partner who is more an initiator or more an implementor. Or in some relationships, one is the initiator at home, and the other is the initiator in the work world. Whatever we are, we usually wish our partner were more what we are.

With further thought, how would it actually be if you were matched on this continuuim?

I see this a lot in relation to raising kids. Mom (most often) is super-attuned to the kids and what they need. That is great for the emotional health of the kids as it leads to secure attachment (as long as the parents aren't doing too much--or everything--for their kids since some difficulties in childhood lead to resiliency). The problem comes in that Mom wants Dad to be super-attuned to the needs of the kids AND be super-attuned to her perception of the needs of the kids. These are two different things.

Kids need a mom and a dad--and they parent differently; that's good for your kids actually.

But on the grander scale, who initiates in your relationship? Who implements what is initiated? Are you both on the same page about this? Are you doing it with a good heart, or because you don't want to rock the boat?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post
To post your comment, please login or register at the top of the page. This topic is only for those who have signed up to participate by providing their email address and establishing a screen name.

Nobu Palo Alto eyes next-door expansion
By Elena Kadvany | 4 comments | 2,997 views

Are We Really Up To This?
By Aldis Petriceks | 3 comments | 1,612 views

Joe Simitian talk: Listening to Trump's America: Bridging the Divide
By Douglas Moran | 22 comments | 985 views

Couples: Cultivate Love, Gottman Style
By Chandrama Anderson | 1 comment | 396 views