A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, . . . | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, . . .

Uploaded: Jun 2, 2017
. . . always with the same person.
- Mignon McLaughlin

How often over the years have you fallen in love again with your partner? Things happen, and you notice that you feel a bit more love. You see your partner in another setting and how s/he carries her/himself there, and think, s/he’s my spouse and I’m so proud of him/her.

Remember what made you fall in love to begin with. Think about that in detail. Did you spend hours talking about any and everything? Do that again. Did you do activities together that gave you joy? Do those again. Was s/he the person who saw you, just as you were, and loved you?

What makes your partner feel loved and happy? Do that for each other. Remember, you’re in each other’s care.

Mature love is helping each other grow as individuals, spiritually, and as a couple.
What’s changed about each of you over time? No one stays static (no matter how much you wish you could, or even if you fear change). Don’t fear those changes, embrace them, and in the process, embrace your beloved. Let it be a source of excitement.

The brain is wired to resist change. The brain is wired to equate stability with safety. But who you are as people have evolved, even though the brain hasn’t caught up (from an evolutionary perspective).

The dark side of this also has to do with the brain. For about the first two years of falling in love, your brain is kicking out happy chemicals like nobody’s business. After that, those subside. You can choose to stay with the same person and fall in love again, or you can find a new person and have the happy chemicals again. Repeat. Every two years or so. It’s almost like a candy store of new people to choose from.

Also, there are married and single people willing to cheat with you, but it’s better to look and don’t touch (unless you’re in an open relationship). And don’t look while you’re with your beloved.

I’ve heard people say ‘I love my spouse, but I’m not in love with him/her.’ You can be again. You have to choose, everyday. And you have to put in effort.

Many marriages are left that could be saved; you can be connected, seen, loved, and communicate well.

Lately, my husband and I have been staying up at night, talking and laughing. I keep falling in love with him.





Comments

 +  Like this comment
Posted by JMan, a resident of Barron Park,
on Jun 3, 2017 at 11:35 pm

JMan is a registered user.

Yes - always continue dating your spouse to keep the relationship fresh.


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