Marriage Underachievers | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Marriage Underachievers

Uploaded: Oct 20, 2014
I know no one wants to be a marriage underachiever. Would we have low standards for ourselves about our marriage? Whose standards are we using? Have we discussed what we want, what we need, as a couple? What our roles will be as husband and wife (and our view of the other as husband or wife)? Or two wives, two husbands?

In the past, marriage was to unite and strengthen lineage for position and gain. It's only in the last 50 or so years that love is the driving factor in marriage.

I decided to look up* the words 'marriage' and 'relationship' and that led me to 'connection' and bond,' and I want to share those definitions with you.

Connection: noun. Something that communicates, relates
- affinity
- application
- association
- bearing
- bond
- commerce
- communication
- correlation
- correspondence
- intercourse
- interrelation
- kinship
- link
- marriage
- nexus
- partnership
- reciprocity
- relation
- relationship
- relevance
- tie-in
- togetherness

Bond: noun. association, relation
- affiliation
- affinity
- attachment
- connection
- connective
- friendship
- hookup
- interrelationship
- liaison
- link
- marriage
- network
- obligation
- relationship
- restraint
- tie
- tie-in
- union

As you consider these definitions, how do you think you are doing? How does your mate think she is doing? (Did you notice I am not asking how you think your mate is doing?)

Consider what you need to experiment with or change to be marriage achievers (which is not being perfect, by the way), and practice those things.

Remember that Dr. John Gottman's research shows that as long as we have five positive interactions for every one poor interaction, we have what it takes to have a happy and healthy marriage.

It seems a lot of marriage underachieving is a result of not being explicit about hopes and dreams, expectations and needs, and of not putting in the time, effort, and work that relationships take.

For a list of topics to discuss with your beloved, see my earlier blog.








*Dictionary.com
We need your support now more than ever. Can we count on you?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post
Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay up to date on local coronavirus coverage with our daily news digest email.

Drive-thru farmers markets? The Peninsula's food industry pivots to the new normal.
By Elena Kadvany | 6 comments | 5,847 views

Coronavirus: Plan ahead now for a big outbreak
By Diana Diamond | 22 comments | 4,665 views

The first few seconds after awakening; before I remember the virus
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 1,873 views

How COVID-19 Affects Communities
By Jessica Zang | 19 comments | 1,612 views

Can you Stay Healthy without Making More Trash?
By Sherry Listgarten | 2 comments | 1,220 views

 

DEADLINE EXTENDED

The 34th Annual Palo Alto Weekly Short Story Contest is now accepting entries for Adult, Young Adult and Teen categories. Send us your short story (2,500 words or less) and entry form by April 10, 2020. First, Second and Third Place prizes awarded in each category. Sponsored by Kepler's Books, Linden Tree Books and Bell's Books.

Contest Details