"If You Don't Know, You Know: No" | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |
BREAKING NEWS:Bay Area mask mandate is back

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

"If You Don't Know, You Know: No"

Uploaded: Mar 17, 2014
I read this quote recently (and don't remember where; sorry, author), and it hit a nerve with me.

How hard is it to say "No"? Pretty difficult for some of us, especially in certain situations. Overly easy for others. It also may be difficult to have "No" be a complete sentence. We may feel we need to offer an explanation. And we can. Or not.

I also think of this between people or in circumstances in which we find that we want to say No, but feel it might hurt another's feelings, or somehow diminish us in another's eyes.

Examples of these:

1) Dating. We've contacted each other, maybe even had coffee, and it doesn't seem like a good fit. So we need to say No to further contact. Do you think women have a harder time with this?

2) People at work are going out to a bar, and we either don't want to go at all, only want to go briefly, are in AA (places), or told our partner we'd be home at a certain time and adding in a trip after work doesn't fit with our prior commitment.

3) Spending time or money or both.

At times, we say Yes because it's the right thing to do, even if we wish we could say No. That's part of what makes this whole topic so tricky. There is no right answer here.

It is healthy practicing saying No, or Yes, or Maybe, and taking the time needed to decide what's best in different situations.

It is also healthy asking for things and being okay with hearing No, or Yes, or Maybe.

It actually makes it safer to ask for and to give to others when the answer is allowed to be authentic. Notice how often your answer is No, or Yes, or Maybe. Notice how come, with whom, and so on. Focus on learning more about ourselves and how we operate in the world.
We need your support now more than ever. Can we count on you?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post

Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.

Email:

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed.

Get the day's top headlines from Palo Alto Online sent to your inbox.

I am a covid coward – and also angry at anti-vaxxers
By Diana Diamond | 50 comments | 7,084 views

Sushinaloa adds Mexican spice to Japanese sushi
By The Peninsula Foodist | 0 comments | 4,581 views

Premarital and Couples: ". . . Then it’s all downhill from there.”
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 3,207 views

 

Meet the Winners

To show appreciation for the local business community, readers voted for their favorite places to eat, shop, work out or spend time with family and friends. The Palo Alto Weekly is proud to unveil this year's Best Of recipients and Hall of Fame honorees.

View Winners