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When words fail
For those with friends in need, books and videos offer advice on how to comfort

by The Health Library

When a friend or family member is diagnosed with a serious illness, such as cancer, most of us want to help, but often are not sure about what to say or do.

Some of us even retreat in fear, afraid of saying something wrong. And sometimes we do say something "wrong," unintentionally causing hurt instead of providing comfort.

There are a number of resources that offer guidelines showing us how to support those we love when faced with life's challenges.

A book by cancer survivor Lori Hope, "Help Me Live: 20 things people with cancer want you to know" (Celestial Arts, 2005), helps those of us who care about a cancer patient -- or anyone with serious illness -- to communicate our genuine care and concern. It's also a great read for patients. It will help them feel less alone and more understood. Chapter titles such as, "I am more than my cancer; treat me kindly, not differently," "I need you to listen and let me cry," and "I want compassion, not pity; comfort, not advice" tell the story.

Studies have shown that cancer patients who receive emotional support may live longer and happier lives. Hope acknowledges that although every cancer patient's experience is unique, almost everyone is afraid and, at some point, will feel depressed, in denial, angry and accepting. In the grip of out-of-control cancer cells, most people want to regain a sense of control over their lives. Lori Hope's life-affirming book is a gift to patients and loved ones alike.

"Beyond Flowers: what to say and do when someone you know has breast cancer" (Affinityfilms, Inc. 2003) is a video that provides practical and meaningful guidelines to reach out to a loved one with cancer. The information in this video has value far beyond breast cancer. Discussion, featuring nationally recognized experts in cancer and sociology, focuses on seven aspects: acknowledging; relating; organizing; procession; healing; transitioning and receiving. Anyone who feels awkward or unprepared when relating to someone with a serious illness should find this video valuable.

Knowing how to be a good friend can be difficult in any number of life circumstances. A book that addresses a broader range of challenges, including terminal illness, grief, addiction and depression, is Sol Gordon's "Is There Anything I Can Do? Helping a friend when times are tough" (Delacorte Press, 1994). Gordon emphasizes that being helpful to a friend in trouble takes patience, effort and a willingness to take risks. Much of the book focuses on personal anecdotes and helpful tips, with each chapter addressing a different situation.

The final section features information on community resources. A good list of national organizations is included. Be aware, however, that it because the book was published in 1994, before the Internet became the ubiquitous information resource that it is today, Internet addresses are not included. While this book is more inspirational than factual, it is a worthwhile read for someone who wants to help a friend facing a difficult life challenge.

The above-mentioned resources and other books, videos and online resources on the subject of supportive care are available at the Stanford Health Library. Research assistance is provided free of charge. Branches are located at the Stanford Shopping Center near Bloomingdales'; on the third floor of Stanford Hospital or on the main level of Stanford's new Cancer Center. The Health Library can be reached at 650-725-8400, healthlibrary.stanford.edu or healthlibrary@stanfordmed.org.