What to do when your kids leave What to do when your kids leave (November 09, 2005)

by Alexandria Rocha

Empty-nest expert Natalie Caine said most parents start to feel the pangs of emptiness in their teenager's junior year of high school. The feelings can be similar, she said, to what parents experience when their children enter preschool or kindergarten.

Parents should not be alarmed if they suddenly feel sad, depressed or lonely. The empty-nest syndrome is a well-recognized condition in the medical community, and the negative feelings -- whether they're slight, extreme, or middle-of-the-road -- are normal reactions.

"It always helps when people realize that what they're experiencing is not unique, it's common, that you're going through something that other humans go through," said Douglas Rait, director of Stanford University's Couples and Family Therapy Clinic.

The best thing a parent can do is to recognize and accept their symptoms. It doesn't do any good to hide them or feel shame or embarrassment, said Caine, who has been leading women's groups for 20 years.

"You don't want to hide who you are," she said.

The next step is to find support in a friend, spouse, or even an online group. Caine started www.emptynestsupport.com four years ago when her daughter was a high school senior. Her empty-nest symptoms had started to kick in, and she did not want to go through it alone. The Web site is now a resource for thousands of men and women around the world to share stories and extend and receive support.

It's also important in the beginning stages of recovery to inform yourself about what empty-nest syndrome is. Browse the Internet, read related literature and ask friends and relatives who have been empty nesters for a longer period of time how they have dealt with the condition.

Now for the major steps. The key here is to start slowly, said Caine.

"The big thing is that your role is changing and you need to reinvent your role. It's your time to ask those questions: 'What do I want to do now that they're gone?' " she said. "Nurture yourself and give yourself time."

The questions are far and wide. What hobbies have you always wanted to try and haven't had time? Do you want to take a continuing education class, travel, or sit on the couch and flip through the channels? All are acceptable, said Caine. These activities can also give an empty nester something to look forward to, however small.

There are also major decisions to be made. Do you want to downsize your home? Where do you want to live for the rest of your life? These questions are likely the hardest because they can stir up feelings of mortality and some women may also be entering menopause. Many parents might be transitioning into taking care of their own elderly parents, too.

"You start to look at the meaning of your life," Caine said. "When kids are gone, that youthfulness is gone."

But, Rait said, children leaving the home does not signal the end of the relationship. The relationship, he added, is just changing. Another key to dealing with the empty-nest syndrome is to set up a regular schedule for communicating with your adult children that is comfortable for everyone. E-mail and instant and text messaging are both popular ways to contact college students in today's high-tech world.

Rait, however, also cautions parents against sharing their feelings of loss or depression with their kids.

"That can induce feelings of guilt and responsibility (in the kids). Leaving home is about their success and autonomy. Recognize that there will be bumps. It's' inevitable," he said.

Kids leaving home also presents an opportunity for couples to reacquaint themselves with each other. Parents may find themselves grocery shopping and cooking less and going out to dinner together more often. It's time to take advantage of the chance that is now available to be alone, experts say. It also could be an ideal time to get a pet.

And always remember, Rait said, "this too shall pass. The feelings of loss may always be there, but the acute trauma will pass."

-- Alexandria Rocha

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