Publication Date: Friday, October 28, 2005
Viagra, 'creepy coaches' and being the bad guy
Viagra, 'creepy coaches' and being the bad guy
(October 28, 2005) PTA forum teaches parents how to talk to kids about birds and bees
by Alexandria Rocha
Palo Alto parents were hit with a hefty dose of reality earlier this week during a PTA forum about sexual abuse.
During a PTA event, called "Safe Relationships," parents were told to take control of their children's sex education and to listen to their gut instincts when something feels amiss. They also learned there are serious flaws in the school district's coach and teacher guidelines.
While most parents left ready to tackle the issues at home, some left with a bad taste in their mouth and others regretted past choices.
"It would have been nice if I told my children when they were younger that when they felt uncomfortable they should say something and that they can tell the person politely to stop," said Lisa Miao, a parent of two daughters, 15 and 18 years old. "It's very hard in my culture to talk about these issues."
About 60 parents, mostly moms, gathered in the school district's board room Wednesday night for the program that follows in the wake of two separate sex abuse cases between students and district employees. The spread of treats and coffee on tables along a wall signaled a PTA meeting, but the topics -- teens and pornography to teachers behind locked classroom doors with students -- sounded more like a health and safety seminar.
Parents nodded in agreement when local psychologist Robert Land said kids oftentimes describe uncomfortable experiences as "creepy" and parents need to listen. They giggled when Nancy Brown, an associate with the Palo Alto Medical Foundation's Research Institute, suggested parents ask their children "What's up?" when Viagra Web sites appear on their computer's history log.
Eyebrows raised, however, when Scott Bowers, assistant superintendent of human resources, said the coaches of the district's middle school sports programs are hired by the city of Palo Alto Recreation Department, not the district.
"There's a group of people who are not our employees, we didn't hire them, we don't pay them, we know very little about them," Bowers said, adding that a district administrator is meeting with city officials in the next few weeks to research their hiring process.
"I was very surprised to hear that. My main concern is that the people who are doing the hiring are on a different site," said one parent, who didn't want to give her name.
While some parents, like Miao, felt a bit disheartened by their past decisions, they also learned that sexuality in adolescence today is a far cry from their own experiences and it's never too late to have the difficult discussions.
"Unfortunately, the world has changed. What we thought was normal has no bearing on your kids' lives," said Brown, who also coordinates the foundation's health Web site for teens. "Most 12 year olds have heard the words 'oral sex.' That doesn't fit into our plan of parenting."
Those changes have clearly made parenting and teaching more difficult. While the school district struggles to tighten its guidelines, parents are also grappling to keep their eyes and ears on people who they used to trust -- teachers and youth leaders.
"I have some reservations about how parents drop off their kids at sports and other kids' homes. I worry about (my daughters) a lot. I drive them all the time. I don't know these coaches," Miao said.
"Many kids are left on their own a lot of the time, especially in middle school and high school. They get rides a lot. I have been asked to give rides to kids I don't even know," she added.
The boundary lines are clearly blurred. Case in point: one parent asked Bowers if it's appropriate for a sole soccer coach to take teammates out for pizza after an outside-of-school outing.
Turns out, Bowers and his colleagues are not sure.
"We're thinking about these things more in-depth than we ever have before. It takes incidents that came out in the paper in August to prompt that review," said Bowers, who took over this school year for Marilyn Cook, now the district's assistant superintendent of educational services.
Bowers is referring to the two separate sex abuse cases that hit the Palo Alto community two months ago. The first involves the long-time leader of the Palo Alto Explorers program, Tony Graham, who was arrested for allegedly having sexual encounters with three girls, ages 14 to 17, and videotaping them in three separate incidents. In the second case, well-known Jordan Middle School teacher and coach Bill Giordano is charged with allegedly molesting two underage girls.
Brown and Land, however, encouraged parents to begin the discussions about difficult topics early on. Brown, in fact, said if parents were to take anything away from Wednesday's forum she hopes it's a need to talk with their kids.
"It's OK to be the bad guy when it comes to parenting your child," she said. "You don't have to know the slang -- it's OK because they know your language. What they want to hear from you are the facts and your values."
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