Publication Date: Friday, October 21, 2005
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
(October 21, 2005) PTA holds discussion on appropriate relationships between kids and adults; how to talk to your teen about sex
by Alexandria Rocha
It's been more than two months since two high-profile alleged sexual abuse cases hit the Palo Alto community. Both have had lingering effects.
On Wednesday, the Palo Alto Council of PTAs is hosting a program to highlight the issues and advise parents about talking with children about tough subjects such as sexual abuse, harassment and assault. One speaker will also discuss appropriate relationships with children.
Jordan Middle School teacher Bill Giordano, who was arrested Aug. 18 on charges of having sex with a student, will appear in court Wednesday. Tony Graham, the longtime leader of the Palo Alto Explorers program arrested on charges of having sexual relationships with three under-aged girls, is back in court next month.
The cases caused a frenzy among parents who began questioning the district's teacher training programs, guidelines and supervision requirements. The district, in turn, analyzed its teacher and staff handbooks, picking best practices from each and creating a district-wide manual.
Many parents in Palo Alto say they have open communication with their children about topics regarding sex. However, it is unclear when those dialogues begin.
A national survey in 2001 conducted by the Talking with Kids About Tough Issues campaign, revealed that many parents put off discussing difficult topics -- including sex, drugs and peer pressure -- until the teen years. Two-thirds of the parents of 8- to 11-year-olds surveyed said their child initiated the first conversation about sex. Forty-six percent of the kids aged 12 to 15 said they want more information about sexual choices.
"The first time your kid hears you talk about sex cannot be when they're 16," said Nancy Brown, an associate at the Palo Alto Medical Foundation's Research Institute. "Because they've been thinking about these things for years, and you're not the person they've been talking to. No matter how uncomfortable you are, bring it up because your kids have been exposed to it."
Brown, who also coordinates the foundation's health Web site for teens, will be one of three guest speakers at Wednesday night's event, called "Safe Relationships" held at the school district's Churchill Avenue office. She will focus on giving parents tips on how to talk about those bashful subjects.
Robert Land, a local psychologist, will talk about appropriate relationships and having a family safety plan. Scott Bowers, the district's assistant superintendent of human resources, will outline the district's training programs and guidelines for teachers.
"It's something parents would like to know about, what are the guidelines? That's an important piece," said Carolyn Williams, the council's director of parent education.
Brown -- who has a long research background in psychosocial development, abuse, sexuality, alcohol and drugs, and mental and physical health -- said adults need to be "askable parents." The open communication needs to start early, so that in the pre-teen and teen years, the pattern is already there -- when a child has a question, they go to their parents first.
"It's being conscious about what they're talking about with their peers, so when they're 12 years old and it's the first time someone offers them a cigarette, or they hear a peer is cutting themselves, or someone is skipping lunch to be skinny, it's their parents they come to and say, 'What's up with this? Is this a problem?" she said. "Parents want to be in the loop, but there is a lot of prep they have to do to be kept in the loop."
Parents should resist the urge, Brown said, to leave the room when their children are watching "The O.C." The primetime television show drenched in teen culture could lead to a teachable moment.
Movies, books, magazines, music, and a plethora of other media, or simply overheard conversations, can crack open the communication door. It's normal for parents to blush and feel uncomfortable, too, Brown said. To avoid that, many of today's parents are e-mailing with their children or looking at Web sites together so it's not a face-to-face situation, which makes it less awkward. And that's fine too, she added.
The key, however, to all of this is that the adult has to be firm in their own morals and values. She said it's not enough for a parent to tell a child, "I trust that you'll do the right thing."
"You have to tell them what you think the right thing is," she said.
Parents are at an advantage. Brown said most kids know their parents are the best resources for information. Giving them books or directing them to Web sites are also healthy ways of educating them.
"Safe Relationships" will be held at 7 p.m. Wednesday in the district's board room, 25 Churchill Ave. For more information, visit www.paloaltopta.org.
E-mail a friend a link to this story. | 
