Guest Opinion: On sexual abuse, let's not just 'appear to be doing something' Guest Opinion: On sexual abuse, let's not just 'appear to be doing something' (September 28, 2005)

by Dick Held

OMy 20-year-old daughter, Bri, recently traveled alone to summer school in Egypt, knowing no one and not speaking Arabic. Though lonely and outside her comfort zone, she believed she would work her way through it.

My wife, Carolyn, and I agreed that at her age we did not have the self-confidence to take such a trip.

Where did her self-confidence come from? She would say from family support and encouragement. But, gratefully, we knew she had also gotten the same from trusted coaches and teachers. Just as 50 years later I am indebted to Keith Kishbaugh and Stan Wincote, two men who coached and encouraged me, my daughter will remember people who helped her gain respect for who she is.

For her, like the overwhelming majority of us, youth sports was not the path to a professional career but an extension of the classroom, an opportunity to learn to develop a work ethic, perform under pressure and work as a unit.

In a community that often hopes its children will be successful in everything, she also learned an invaluable lesson: how to fail without feeling she was a failure.

In addition to developing athletic skills, she had some thoughtful coaches who emphasized her accomplishments and progress, no matter how insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and helped her find reasons to be proud of the person she saw in the mirror. Self-confidence is important in competition, but absolutely crucial when our children make choices about how they will respond to the social pressures they confront today.

Praise and recognition from family is critical, and when it is re-enforced by trusted others, peers, coaches and teachers, the result can be powerful. .

Any violation of a trust relationship, as has been alleged in recent sexual abuse cases in our community, raises difficult questions for all of us. It is hard enough for adults to get our minds around even the thought of someone, especially someone we know, abusing a child. And the impact on children, even those who were not victims but who trusted these people, can be just as great.

How can we minimize the risk to our children? First, we can learn from others --like the Catholic Church -- so we don`t waste time repeating mistakes. For two years I have served as an independent evaluator of the church`s nationwide initiative to address sexual abuse and secure a safer environment for children.

In the process I have seen the staggering impact sexual abuse can have on both victim survivors and officials who were falsely accused in attempts to defraud the church.

The church has completed costly background investigations and training for everyone, from priests to volunteers, who have regular contact with children. In some dioceses this means tens of thousands of people. Church leaders have also expanded their policies on issues that range from proper boundaries to standards of conduct.

Though these actions have deterrent value, convicted offenders rarely volunteer to assist and no law, vow or policy has ever been sufficient to stop someone intent on abusing children.

One of the areas where the Catholic Church is making especially significant progress is its "Safe Environment Programs." At their best, these programs encourage people to get personally involved and "do something" if they see unsafe activity of any kind.

Yet news stories regarding alleged abuse in our own community has included reports of people saying they heard or thought something improper was going on. If that is true, why didn`t they "do something"? The safety of our children is everyone`s responsibility. That means each of us must thoughtfully and constructively address unsafe behavior rather than just refer it to some official for action.

We need to be sure our children understand about boundaries and are able to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. We could also help coaches be more conscious of the opportunity they have to help develop each young athlete`s sense of accomplishment and self-respect , just as they do their athletic skills.

As Stanford`s Jim Thompson documents so well in his Positive Coaching Alliance, winning is important but we have an opportunity to accomplish so much more through youth sports.

In the early 1900s the United States` economy was suffering from a crippling railroad strike. An advisor reportedly counseled President Theodore Roosevelt, "Mr. President, shouldn`t we appear to be doing something?"

In responding to allegations of sexual abuse in our community we, too, must decide between really doing something enforceable and "appearing to do something" that, in reality, may serve only as a means to deter criticism or lawsuits.

The temptation will be to create new policies and rules. But if people today are reluctant to get involved in enforcing the laws we already have, why will new policies produce a different outcome? New policies, like old, will surely be adhered to by the already compliant. If too cumbersome, they could discourage participation by coaches who spend countless hours with our children but are paid little, if at all.

More words will not change anything. Our environment will be safer when we hold ourselves individually accountable for making it safe -- and raise the community`s children to keep it that way.

Dick Held, a retired FBI official and executive vice president at Visa International, advises boards of directors and lectures on security matters -- and helps coach girls' basketball and boys' baseball at Palo Alto High School. He can be e-mailed at dh259@hotmail.com.

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