Publication Date: Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Board of Contributors: New course offerings for extra-special parents -- in need
Board of Contributors: New course offerings for extra-special parents -- in need
(September 14, 2005) by Lucy Rector Filppu
It's that time of year again: Our children get to nestle all snug in their classrooms while we're left at the door, mere wannabes.
For Palo Alto parents, who have enough college degrees between them to line every bike bath in town, excelling at school is like breathing. We need it to live. Yet our kids are taking up all the oxygen.
To get us on our feet again, here are some courses the school board is considering to help to our local OPINs (Overeducated Parents In Need).
Math for SIPs (Schedule Impaired Parents): This course will explain exactly how a parent calculates the numbers involved in pick-ups and drop-offs -- with differentials for what time school ends. It includes factoring in children whining, school-parking-spot geometry, and subtraction for traffic jams and torrential downpours. It is supplemented by a thorough analysis of the cost of three recreational classes a week for child A versus two recreational classes and special-time play dates for child B -- happening simultaneously.
Some class time will also be devoted to calculating the time cost of arguments, and dollar costs of over-the-limit cell phone minutes between parent A and parent B regarding pick-ups and drop-offs -- and recreational-program costs.
Social Studies for the AIPs (Academically Intense Parents): Recognizing the grand and gifted nature of our parental students, this class will focus on how to help the IQ-blessed and otherwise amazing parent think more empathetically toward his or her child's teachers and fellow parents.
The class will focus specifically on helping parents get out of the teacher's way, and the hardest challenge of all: not bragging, embellishing or otherwise raising their children's academic or intelligence status to said teacher or to other (equally brilliant) parents who choose to keep their mouths shut.
History for the PWAs (Parents With Amnesia): An emotionally challenging, somewhat regressive class for the otherwise together, forward-thinking parent who often feels their child "should just get over it."
Students with PWA syndrome will be invited to go back in time to their own lives in school. Forgotten, deeply repressed memories of oversized bullies, prom queens, acne issues, outcast paranoia, oppressive teachers and sub-par grades will be recalled in an effort to help parent-students experience greater understanding of and empathy for the drama that is school.
Literacy for ORMs (Over Read Moms): Studies show that overeducated mothers who read too many books about raising a perfect child are a hazard to society. This class offers a somewhat revolutionary approach.
Students will be invited to burn all those child-rearing books. As the fire kindles, mom students will be required to pull out People magazine and curl up on the class couch. The final exam will be student presentations on celebrity hairstyles and lessons learned from Britney's pregnancy.
Physical Education for OGAs (Once Great Athletes): Designed for you incredible jocks who now suffer creaking knees, graying hair, expanding torsos and an obsession with your child's kinesthetic superiority. Come join other OGAs for extremely competitive, sweat-producing classes on every sport any of you ever achieved Gold-medal status in.
OGAs will learn to lose without killing someone. By course's end, OGAs will be so exhausted they won't care whether their child plays -- let alone wins -- at a competitive sport.
Nutrition for the JFSs (Junk Food Sneakers): Despite their best efforts, some parents who advocate organic school lunches still can't give up those late-night Ding Dongs. The class will discuss how a family can spend a whole paycheck at Whole Foods while what dad and mom really want is Hagen Dazz at 10 p.m.
Parent--students will be invited to keep diaries of junk-food sneak attacks, including the times they have been caught munching Doritos by their children. The class will conclude with a family potluck in which reformed JFS parents finally let go and allow their kids to eat all the non-organic chips and ice cream they want.
Test Management for PUPs (Paranoid Underperforming Parents): Despite the astounding credentials of your neighbor, some Palo Alto parents just never delivered that 1,600 SAT or attended a "name" college.
Smart but untestworthy, these parents quake in their boots each time their child's STAR test results arrive. This class will be a coming out for PUPs, a time to celebrate their rebellious natures and all-be-damned successes (hey, many start companies).
After ripping to shreds the Bush Administration's No Child Left Behind testing rationale, PUPs will practice ignoring the PSATs, SATs, STARs, APIs and other equally terrifying test acronyms that haunt their lives as parents.
If classes become too crowded, some parents will have to return home, where they might just have to hang out and forget about school. We call that Advanced Displacement.
Lucy Rector Filppu is a member of the Weekly's Board of Contributors. She has lived in Palo Alto for seven years and works part-time as a special projects editor at Bonus.com, a children's Web site. She and her husband, Len, have two children. She can be e-mailed at loosy@earthlink.net.
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