Guest Opinion: The secret of keeping teens safe and sober: communicate! Guest Opinion: The secret of keeping teens safe and sober: communicate! (September 07, 2005)

by Joe Connolly

Five years ago I asked my then 14-year-old son what he thought about my drinking behavior. I thought I was being a great role model for him, only drinking an occasional glass of wine and maybe a few beers on a Saturday night or at a cocktail party.

His response took me completely by surprise. His perception was that I needed to drink at home to relax and at parties in order to have a good time.

How's that for being a role model?

My relationship with my own teens (ages 19, 16 and 14) is strong. We are able to communicate about most issues freely and without fear. Communicating about alcohol and other drugs is one topic that comes up often. By communicating openly and honestly I'm more likely to help my kids make good decisions.

A few years ago I founded a company, goodparents, inc., with the mission to "Help Teens Thrive" by helping parents build and maintain strong, trusting relationships with their teens.

Our message to parents about alcohol and other drug use is to understand teens and their world and to communicate the behavior you want and expect from them.

There is so much we can learn about teens and alcohol simply by asking -- and taking time to listen. When Palo Alto teens were surveyed recently, they listed parents and health care providers as the top two most trusted sources of information about alcohol and other drugs.

We as parents can take this information to heart and try as hard and consistently as we can to talk with our teens about real things in our lives -- both experiences we share in common and things we can learn about from each other.

Yet, tragically, the same survey revealed that only 50 percent of teens said their parents have talked with them over the past year about family expectations and values around alcohol and other drugs, or -- one presumes -- other aspects of life in today's rapidly changing world.

Alcohol and other drug use among teens is an important concern in every community, spanning all socioeconomic and demographic boundaries.

I recently presented a workshop at the Palo Alto Medical Foundation called "Parents, Teens and Drinking ... how to keep them safe and sober." (Weekly, Aug. 17.) I mentioned the importance of role modeling, but the core message of the workshop focused on ways to have open conversations with your teens.

Key points include:

1) Teens think and make decisions differently than adults -- understanding this means we adults are more likely to have effective conversations with them.

2) Become educated about alcohol and other drugs. It's easier to talk with your teens if you know the facts.

3) Look for opportunities in everyday life to have quick talks with your teens about alcohol and other drug use. Don't try to do it in one long, difficult conversation.

4) Ask yourself what behavior you're modeling for your teens and if it is the message you want to send. If you don't know, ask them. It's a great way to start a conversation.

5) Teach your teens to have a plan. Before they go out, ask them what their plan is if they are offered alcohol or other drugs, if they find themselves in a car with somebody who's been drinking, or other circumstance. Teens who have a plan are more likely to make better decisions. It's another great way to have a conversation with your teen.

6) SAFETY FIRST is a prime directive. If your teen does decide to use alcohol or other drugs, make sure he or she knows that you are primarily concerned with his or her safety -- this includes arriving home safely. Teens need to know that home is a safe place for them.

7) If your teen comes home after using alcohol or other drugs, wait 12 to 18 hours before you converse, until you're both calm -- and sober.

8) Base consequences for alcohol and other drug use on making a better decision the next time. It's important that our teens learn from their mistakes -- this applies to us parents, too.

It's also important for teens to know that most of their peers are not using alcohol or other drugs. There are plenty of teens enjoying social events with friends while drinking water or soda. This knowledge can make it easier for teens to say, "no thanks" when offered an alcoholic beverage.

It's also important for parents to be open to change. After the conversation with my son five years ago I made the decision to give up use of alcohol as a way to show him and my other children that I could have a good time without drinking.

This might seem like a drastic step for some, but it was one I felt I had to take. I'm not suggesting that all parents do the same. I am suggesting that you have the conversation.

Since that first conversation, I've engaged in literally hundreds of other conversations with my kids about alcohol and other drug use, doing my best to help them be safe from alcohol and other drugs and their often sad -- sometimes tragic -- side effects. So far the results have been good.

Joe Connolly, the founder of goodparents, inc., based in Santa Clara (www.goodparentsinc.com), regularly makes presentations in the Palo Alto Area. He can be e-mailed at joeconnolly@goodparentsinc.com.

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