Publication Date: Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Board of Contributors: Students -- row for your life toward goals that are your own
Board of Contributors: Students -- row for your life toward goals that are your own
(August 31, 2005) by Nancy McGaraghan
You are young. So you know everything. You leap into the boat and begin rowing. But listen to me."
I happened to read these opening lines of Mary Oliver's poem, West Wind #2, the day after Palo Alto students returned to school. It seemed like a timely coincidence.
Earlier that morning I was meeting at Town & Country Village with a young woman from my alma mater, the University of San Francisco.
At noon the T&C walkways suddenly teemed with Paly students. My friend and I had been talking about the need for college campuses to be places that foster curiosity and excitement, that entice students to move enthusiastically and well-prepared into the broader world.
Nothing could have underscored this point more clearly than this sudden influx of students. Their energy overflowed into the shops, at times drowning out our conversation. They seemed excited, and appropriately ready to resume student life.
But are they?
Pages have been written about the pitfalls that threaten this world-on-a-string enthusiasm -- many of the articles coming under the rubric of the stresses and challenges young people face, particularly in communities such as Palo Alto.
Many who tackle this issue suggest that stress is the result of goals being unrealistic. Life becomes unmanageable for kids when they feel pressure -- from themselves, parents or teachers -- to succeed in ways that are beyond their reach.
It has been awhile since our sons were in high school. Maybe I am out of touch with the reality of student life today. Nonetheless, some aspects of stress and success affect us all, and remain unchanged over the years.
Goals are not only good, they are vitally important. Without goals to keep us engaged with life and moving forward, life gets stale, boring. Goals give a healthy focus to the boundless energy we felt that day at Town & Country Village. Even going for the gold is not a bad thing.
Trouble starts to brew when we believe we are only as good as our successes, when goals are absolute with no back-up, or when the goals we set are not for ourselves, but in response to what other people think or expect of us.
We all know this. Trouble is, we forget. Especially when, as most of us are prone to do, we jump in and start paddling away without deciding where we want to go, or if we really want to go there. In spite of our best efforts, we can find ourselves sinking, even drowning. Rowing harder and faster is not the answer.
Mary Oliver's poem shines the light of common sense into the conversation about goals, stress and success. When life starts to feel out of control, she says, "Lift the oars from the water. Let your arms rest ... and listen."
Parents, teachers and friends can encourage kids to listen carefully for what they want, and to be honest with themselves about why they want it.
Young or old, maybe the hardest lesson of all is to know what we really want; what our gifts are and how to use them.
We can start by looking at our lives. What do we enjoy doing? What are the things that, when we are doing them, make the din of the world go away? What leaves us feeling content instead of grasping at the next distraction? What are the activities, values, and lifestyle that make us happy?
Once we know what is most important, "Row, row for your life toward it," Oliver says. As I understand her, this is not fast and furious paddling but a steady and focused rowing. Most of all, as I have rowed in my life, I find I need to stop from time to time, dangle my feel over the edge of the boat and enjoy the feel of the water.
Working toward one's goals shouldn't feel like doing time in the slammer. If your life is out of sync with what matters most to you, it is time to wonder why.
We adults can help kids believe in themselves and their goals. Before we know it, our world will be in their hands. We can be their models and guides, but the task of creating a life for themselves, goals and all, is theirs.
All we can do is remind them to keep listening, and "... when you hear a mile away and still out of sight, the churn of the water, ... then row, row for your life toward it."
Nancy McGaraghan is a member of the Weekly's Board of Contributors, and a teacher and board member of Gracenter in San Francisco. She can be e-mailed at chezmcg@hotmail.com.
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