August 17, 2005

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Palo Alto Online

When I was your age ...

Alexandria Rocha

Is being a teenager easier or harder today than when you were one? In what ways? Ofer Bruhis: It is different, in the fact that they are constantly connected at any time of the day (cell phones, computers, etc.). I think they have much more pressure in school then we had. Tali Hardonag: Our high school years were not a race to get the grades for college, so in that sense too, schoolwork, although serious, was more relaxed than what my kids are going through here. Erwin Morton: It's much harder today. There's too much stress, over scheduling, etc., at least in this community. There's less down time, and there are fewer opportunities for unstructured amusement. You're "held accountable" much earlier now, and you're expected to make adult decisions long before you're really an adult. On the other hand, we grew up with air raid drills and constant worry about the world coming to an end. All they have to worry about is the occasional terrorist, the occasional mountain lion, and the ongoing political attacks on education. Kathy Morton: It's more stressful. There isn't enough time to be a kid, and there isn't enough family time. Everything seems to be quantified and evaluated.
What sort of student were you in high school? Ofer: In subjects that interested me, I was a good student on some subjects, but an average student on the rest. Tali: I was a good student in high school, and my grades were high enough to waive any further college entrance exams. Erwin: I was a good student, earning straight A's in a highly competitive school. Kathy: I was more or less a straight-A student, with maybe one or two B's along the way.
What were the hardest classes you took? Erwin: I don't recall any class being especially hard. The hardest things were PE, which I was never very good at, and Chess Club, where there was one guy I could never defeat. But I've just learned that he once beat Bobby Fischer, so I guess I don't feel so bad about it any more.
How much time did you spend on homework each night? Ofer: I don't remember spending a lot of time on homework. Tali: I don't remember having to work past 9 p.m. Kathy: About six hours per night, including some time spent studying with friends.
Who and what stressed you out the most in high school? Why? Ofer: Midterms and finals were stressful. We took it very easy during the rest of the time. Tali: I don't remember being stressed out by schoolwork. If there were stressful times it was social stuff -- how do I know if that guy likes me? Erwin: Social situations and social pressures.
Why do you think high school students are under so much stress today? Kathy: This community includes many high-achieving parents, who are familiar with the academic road to success. They want the best for their children, so they encourage their children to excel in school because this path has worked so well for the parents themselves. Erwin: We live in a community in which to be "average" is to be below average. We've redefined the former ideal -- the average, happy-go-lucky American kid in the mold of Tom Sawyer -- as a marginal performer in need of remediation or at risk of retention. Often, the "highest-performing" kids have both the heaviest workloads and the most stress. Everyone, including the students and the teachers, are in a pressure cooker. Everyone is being micromanaged to death. Ofer: College requirements increased over the last 20 years. Tali: We live in a community that has a large percentage of academically driven, high achieving, competitive families. Our students get sucked into that whirlpool. I'm not sure what the scenario is in the Midwest, for example. I think our kids are under stress because the requirements to get into college is very demanding - you're expected to be good not only in academics but also in extra-curricular activities, participate in community service and find something unique that will attract the accepting committee.
Who put the most expectations on you in high school? Tali: I would have to say my parents -- especially my father who wanted to make sure I took advantage of what I was offered in school so I could take any direction I chose in life and stand on my own two feet. Erwin: My mother. When I did well, it was expected rather than appreciated; when I didn't do so well, I never heard the end of it. Kathy: I did. My parents had no expectations whatsoever.
Looking back, what did you learn from high school? Ofer: I learned to enjoy life and not to take matters seriously. Kathy: In high school, I learned language skills, writing skills and math skills that served me well through university, grad school, and life thereafter. Equally important, I developed a foundation of social networks independent of family.
What is your family's solution for today's high-pressure high school world? Kathy: I ask a lot of questions and let my kids vent their frustrations. It is hard for parents not to nag, and we often forget to praise. Ofer: We try to provide the kids an environment at home that is supportive of their efforts. We do have high standards. I use to joke that we accepts grades only if they are vowels. I don't joke about this anymore, because everyone is so serious about it. Tali: We look for something they enjoy without the pressure to excel. Noa is building a car with her dad. It allows time to focus on something away from school, on her own schedule.
How did you spend your free time in high school? Tali: I read a lot, hung out with friends. I had time for activities and socializing, going to movies mid-week and always slept a good nights sleep. Kathy: We went to concerts, movies, plays and lectures. I spent a lot of time in the art museum. I was active in after-school clubs and sports. I also tutored reading in underprivileged neighborhoods about six hours every Saturday the whole four years, but no one was counting and the high school wasn't even aware of it.
How did you earn money when you were a teenager? Ofer: I worked as a construction worker. It was tough because houses were made of concrete blocks. Erwin: Summer jobs working for NASA, IBM, etc. Kathy: I tutored other students in French. During the summer, I also worked for a child protection agency.
How do you help your child relax? Kathy: I try to talk to my kids and laugh with them. I hug them a lot. I sometimes drag them out on errands just so we can do something spontaneous for amusement. I encourage them to go out for a walk or to find a friend to play Frisbee with. I also try simply to leave them alone if they are spaced out petting a cat or daydreaming. I let them pick the music in the car. Ofer: Tali and I make an effort to let them know that we are here to help them any time. I joke with them as much as I can and I make them these incredible lunches. Tali: We try and look on the funny side of things, to laugh a lot.
As a teenager, what did you want to be when you grew up and how did you get there, or how did that change over the years? Ofer: When I was 10 I knew that my profession would be somehow involved with flight. After graduating and working in the profession for over 10 years, I decided to switch to hardware and software design. Erwin: In high school, I wanted to be a research chemist, but in college I migrated first to mathematics and then to astrophysics. As an adult, I switched again into the software world. Kathy: I always wanted to be a teacher.
What college did you want to go to, and where did you end up going? Erwin: I wanted to go to Harvard, and that's where I went. In those days, we didn't do any research. ... I never visited until it was time to move in. Kathy: I had always intended on going to the local campus (SUNY at Buffalo, which was two blocks from home) and that's where I went. I never applied to a college. We took New York State Regents Scholarship Exams, and with a high score, acceptance and a full scholarship were automatic.
In what ways did college turn out to be what you expected, or did it not at all? Tali: I was excited by how many more people there were out there that were interested in the same things as I was. I was surprised to discover that I was just "average" in this group. Kathy: It was more intellectually exciting, and, in terms of time commitment, less demanding than high school.
What college would you like your high school student to go to? Ofer: I think the UC system is a great place if you can get in. It is a great value for the money and we might as well use it if we live here and pay taxes. Tali: The UC's are great.
Do you notice competition among parents over how well your children are doing academically? Kathy: Yes, occasionally, but it is rare that parents are obvious or overt in their competitive tendencies. One never knows when other parents say something like, "Johnny has picked a really great science project; what are you going to do?" Tali: We try and stay away from those conversations.
What kind of life would you like your child to have? Kathy: Happy, productive, love-filled, self-satisfying and healthy. Ofer: I would like them to have a happy one regardless of what path they choose. Tali: I want them to have a happy life, hopefully productive and self sufficient and I'd like them to be able to follow their passion. I've tried to preach that "success" is measured by how balanced your life is not by the balance in your bank account.

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