Guest Opinion: Discovering joy in the interwoven threads of a mother's life Guest Opinion: Discovering joy in the interwoven threads of a mother's life (January 26, 2005)

by Jane Gee

I cherish my childhood memories of growing up in Palo Alto in the '60s and '70s. Family dinners every night, catching tree frogs at Lake Lagunita, walking to school with neighborhood kids, modest birthday parties, mom always being around for us and the unforgettable May Fete Parades.

Perhaps my most special memory is the weekly "kick-the-can" games my dad would organize for all the kids on the block on warm summer evenings. Sometimes we played baseball in the nearby apricot orchard. Looking back, those years were simple and happy for a child.

Fast forward. In 1996, my husband and I had our second child. I quit my job -- after much thought, discussion and soul-searching -- to stay home with our young children.

I became fascinated with this new identity called mother. It was emotional, demanding and exhausting all rolled up into one confusing ball -- yet so rewarding, almost sacred sometimes. I realized many friends also struggled with the return-to-work dilemma, and we all hungered for guidance.

One day I gathered a few friends together to brainstorm an idea of hosting a forum just for mothers. We wanted to create a supportive, inspirational environment in which to hear experts explore issues that touch the core of a mothers' heart and well-being, exploring the choices and challenges we face raising families in our complex, fast-moving society. It would be a morning devoted to looking inward -- where we could share the important bonds of joy, pride, fatigue, stress, worry and above all, the love of our children.

After a year of creative planning, we held our first Symposium for Mothers in January 1998 on the Stanford campus, on "The Delicate Balance" -- the work dilemma.

We were happily astounded when 200 mothers arrived to hear panelists discuss the common ground between mothers who work outside the home and those who do not. It was a morning of validation, laughter, camaraderie and shared support. We learned that all mothers, regardless of circumstances, can be unified on this maternal journey.

The organizers of this first tentative effort soon became deeply bonded friends. We are a colorful bunch of mothers, stepmothers and empty-nesters. We are Christian, Jewish and agnostic. Our children range from 5 to 32 years old. We easily laugh and cry in the comfort of this special friendship and we seem to chat as much about our aging parents as about our children.

Half of us grew up in Palo Alto and we know it really does takes a community to raise a child. We follow the wisdom of Mother Theresa: "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." My dear friends include Stephanie Agnew, June Badal, Becky Beacom, Nora Cain, Karen Friedland-Brown, Sharon Keplinger, Sharon Murphy, Mary Ruth Quinn, Amy Renalds and Megan Swezey Fogarty -- an extraordinary group of caring women who have given years of service to Palo Alto in education, health and the well-being of our children, families and community.

Our symposia covered topics that affect mothers with children of all ages in different ways: forgiveness, simplifying life, adoption, spirituality, grandmothers, caregivers, finding balance, the importance of compassion.

At our seventh symposium, Saturday morning, Feb. 5, at Stanford's Fairchild Auditorium, we will be delving even more deeply into motherhood, exploring "mother love" itself. (For details: www.pamf.org or call 650 498-7826.)

Yet this is not just another community conference -- it is part of a growing awareness of mothers as we learn from each other and our speakers. We know that mothers possess a strength and unnerving force for the good of our children, ourselves and the larger community.

I often ask myself why am I so touched by the happiness I receive when my 10-year-old son grabs my hand as we walk our dog around the block. Or when my 8-year-old daughter asks me to read her a story by flashlight in her proudly built fort, on a rainy day. These simple, precious moments overflow my maternal cup with a profound joy and I want them to last forever.

I know that our Seventh Annual Symposium for Mothers will answer my curiosity about that joy. Our keynote speaker is psychologist Daphne de Marneffe, whose book, "Maternal Desire: On Children, Love and the Inner Life," became our title/theme.

"It is hard to hold on to all the threads of our lives while we are mothers," she writes. "But at the same time, the actual practice of mothering carries within it an extraordinary thrust toward happiness. It is a happiness that we must find the words to articulate and that we owe ourselves the freedom to explore."

Other presenters this year are infant-development specialist Catherine Thomas, coordinator of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit Follow-Up Program at Good Samaritan Hospital in San Jose, and our moderator, Rona Renner, a nurse, parent-educator and host of the radio talk show, Childhood Matters at 98.1 KISS FM. "Hey Mom!," a local quartet of professional musicians (all mothers), will also perform.

Our symposia offer a different focus each year but the results are the same. Mothers feel comfort just by being with other mothers. And by listening to experts and sharing remarkable maternal stories, mothers explore life decisions and receive renewed energy and optimism.

"The day reminded me to slow down, focus more and enjoy mothering my children," one mother commented.

My husband and I wonder what our kids will remember most about their childhood memories -- like I do the kick-the-can games. Perhaps it's the shared joy between parent and child that really matters. The can was just the catalyst.

Let's go, kids. Time for kick the can!

Jane Alhouse Gee lives in Palo Alto with her husband, Bruce, and their two children, who attend Duveneck Elementary School. She is a native Palo Altan and a licensed real estate broker who worked for 12 years at her father's company, Alhouse Realty, Inc., before deciding to be a full-time mother. She can be e-mailed at jane@geeteam.com.

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