First Person: Striving to be perfect -- but at what cost? First Person: Striving to be perfect -- but at what cost? (July 14, 2004)

by Anna Luskin

As an incoming senior at Palo Alto High School, I am in the middle of the college-application process. This is the time in my life where college is my number-one priority.

Where am I going to get in? What do I need to do to secure a place in the top college?

These questions run through my mind every hour. I cannot seem to get away from them, even during summer. I find this sad, but this is what I get from growing up in the Palo Alto community.

As a product of Palo Alto, I have a fair amount of achievements under my belt. I am not the top student in my class, but I have a pretty good resume. I maintained a 4.0 GPA through my first three years at Paly, I played varsity softball, I did many hours of community service, I coached a Little League baseball team, I play flute, and I am now pursuing journalism.

All this may not be not enough, I just found out -- it may not be enough to get into the school of my choice, UCLA.

My dad tells me, over and over again, that I can easily get into UC Davis or UC Santa Barbara and maybe even UCLA, but I tell him I can't; I don't do enough. I didn't get a 1600 on my SATs. Heck, I didn't even get a 1300. I got a 1250. I don't take all the advanced-placement classes (APs) -- I only took two weighted classes this past year. I am only taking three APs next year, not five.

"So what?" my dad says. "You do so much. You'll get in sweetie, don't worry." As if it was that easy.

My dad and I went to my college meeting with my counselor at Paly.

"You're not taking all the advanced classes you could be taking," she said. "So you have a pretty slim chance of getting into UCLA. You're not doing enough."

I was stunned. Was she serious? Excuse me for only taking three APs, not six. Sorry for wanting to sleep a little. Sorry for not wanting to completely stress out. She told me I have no guarantee of getting into any UC, not even Santa Cruz. Santa Cruz was my "safety." Not anymore, I guess.

The logical side of me knows she just wants to prepare me for the worst. I know the college-application process has gotten ridiculous and it is really hard to get in.

But it just really makes me mad when I'm told I am not doing enough. I am doing so much I have no time for anything else. This year I was so stressed and freaked out I thought I was going to burst.

So I felt pretty discouraged after that meeting. Then I went to my Wednesday advisory class, a weekly meeting with my teacher advisor about college information. Same story. What everyone told me was that it will be impossible to get into college now -- top students are getting rejected from "easy" schools.

After one advisory class, I told a friend, "I am not getting into college!"

"Me either," she replied.

I think that getting into college has become insane. It used to be if you had a 3.5 GPA or above, you were guaranteed into at least one UC. Now, if you only have a 3.5, according to my high school, you have a slim chance of getting into virtually any college. A "B" average is not good enough. You need straight As to get anywhere. This is what I've come to believe. Isn't that sick?

I'm not quite sure who's at fault. I can't blame it all on Paly. I really do enjoy it there. I guess all the teachers and counselors are just trying to warn me about how hard it is to get into college. And I can't blame my parents, either -- they keep trying to get me to do less. But it makes it a lot harder to feel good about your achievements when everyone around you seems to be doing better.

There are so many people around me who aren't satisfied with their 1450 SAT scores, so why should I be satisfied with my 1250? Most students I talk to get above a 4.0 GPA, so how can I be content with my plain old 4.0?

It doesn't help that the sense that I should do more seems to fill every corner of Paly's campus. Honestly, how much more can I do and still be OK?

I saw a doctor a few weeks ago because I had been having a stream of really bad headaches. He said it was because I was too stressed out; I had been doing too many things. I'd stretched myself way too thin.

So my school side is telling me I'm not doing enough, but my body is telling me I'm doing way too much. Isn't that ironic?

What would my teachers and counselors say to that?

Anna Luskin is an incoming senior at Paly. She plans to pursue journalism in college and is currently an editorial-pages intern at the Palo Alto Weekly. She can be emailed at gobanannas12@yahoo.com.

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