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Uploaded: Tuesday, September 1, 2009, 9:38 AM
Building a community where everyone matters
Religious leaders get down to the basics of individual and family communications and support patterns
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by Chris Kenrick
Palo Alto Online Staff
Palo Alto religious leaders Monday night offered their traditions of community and faith as a way for teens and their families to find hope and support in the wake of recent teen suicides.
"We are the makers of sanctuary, safe places where kids can know they matter, that each is a person of irreducible worth, irreplaceable, entitled to a place in the world," Rabbi Janet Marder of Congregation Beth Am in Los Altos Hills said.
"We're the builders of values-centered communities, … where you're not judged by your grades, your SAT scores, what you look like, how much you weigh, your car, your clothes or the size of your house."
Citing the 23rd Psalm, Marder said, "We dwell in the house of the Lord, where nobody is mocked for not fitting in or not being cool."
Marder spoke on a multi-faith panel of religious leaders moderated by Palo Alto Mayor Peter Drekmeier and sponsored by a variety of religious and community groups.
The title was "Supporting Our Teens in a High-Pressure Environment."
A crowd of parents, religious leaders, mental health professionals, city, school and police leaders -- and a small sprinkling of teens -- packed Cubberley Theatre, which holds 320 persons.
While promoting values-based mentoring for youth, several panelists said it is critical to address teen mental-health issues, screening students for depression or mental illness and getting them treated. Clergy will gladly cooperate with mental health providers to address student needs, they said.
Deputy City Manager Steve Emslie summarized city and police responses to the three recent teen suicides. He said "quick fixes" include trimming trees and bushes and adding police presence at Caltrain crossings. He said longer-term measures include a planned task force involving "many stakeholders."
City Manager James Keene and school Superintendent Kevin Skelly will meet Thursday to "set the tone," Emslie said. Skelly was in the audience Monday.
In a brief, impromptu appearance, Michael Kang, the uncle of Jean Paul "JP" Blanchard, a Gunn High School junior who died at the Caltrain tracks in May, thanked panelists for their concern.
"Nothing is going to be the cure-all. Children growing up in Palo Alto may be too sheltered, parents should get to know their children's friends and families should make every effort to have dinner together," he said.
"I don't know what else we can do other than to try everything," he said.
Panelist Samina Sundas of the American Muslim Voice contrasted her childhood, surrounded by extended family and neighbors in Pakistan, with the loneliness of many people she observes in the United States.
"We pay a heavy price for privacy in America. We design our homes, our electronics, everything to make us independent. There is too much pressure to be independent in our society that might just not be good for kids," she said.
"We need to create that 'village' that raises all our children regardless of who they are, what their faith is, what their economic background is. We need to be the keepers of these kids."
The Rev. David Howell, pastor of First Congregational Church of Palo Alto, said faith communities "connect us more fully to each other so we can support each other.
"When we're part of a faith community, we have a stronger sense of belonging and connection to each other and hopefully to God and to all of creation, and with that comes a sense of responsibility to each other."
Church youth groups offer teens an opportunity to develop close relationships with adults who are not their parents, he added.
Asked later how to make religion "cool," Howell said, "'Cool' might be overreaching but I'm going to shoot for 'relevant.' We can become more relevant by talking more honestly about what the issues really are. Honesty can be lifesaving."
Sherry Cassedy of the Catholic Community of Palo Alto told a story of how she found support from "two cores of the Catholic tradition," community and ritual, following the suicide of a 15-year-old member of her extended family.
"We clung to each other and cared for each other. … No one was alone. We felt too vulnerable and found strength in one another."
Catholic ritual, allowing community participation as a priest took time to share peace with 80 young people lining the aisles at a memorial service, also offered some measure of peace, she said.
Eric Nelson of the First Church of Christ, Scientist, said the New Testament story of the prodigal son, in which a son is welcomed home by his father despite years of wasteful living, offers "a clear-cut illustration of how we are to love our children, no matter what choices they make, what grades they get, what sports teams they're on or what college they choose or don't choose."
The Rev. William Masuda of the Palo Alto Buddhist Temple shared some of the struggles of his own youth as a Japanese-American with a Buddhist background growing up in the Bay Area.
He described the Buddhist focus on the "existential reality of suffering as the very cause by which we're spurred to move forward, trying to make sense of our life."
There is a necessity for "a kind of awareness, mindfulness, persistence and effort in trying to understand the sense of self. This process is absolutely necessary in my mind to address this painful issue of teen suicides. …"
Monday's panel discussion was taped by the Midpeninsula Community Media Center. It will be transmitted on channels 27, 28 and 30 in September. See www.midpenmedia.org for times.
For a list of community resources, follow-up events and information on ordering a DVD of the panel discussion see www.councilofchurches-scc.org/teensupport.Are you receiving Express, our free daily e-mail edition? See a sample and sign-up for Express.
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Posted by Concerned Parent, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood, on Sep 1, 2009 at 11:53 am I attended the meeting last night and was struck by the fact that nobody was willing to address the issue of substance abuse (teens self-medicating their depression) as a huge issue. The faith based communities could be of tremendous service by sponsoring groups of teens that want to be involved in a spiritual program (ie AA or Narconon) designed to help them find other ways of dealing with their depression instead of drinking or using drugs. There was one question that alluded to prescription drugs that teens might be addicted to but how about all those Vicodins and other prescription drugs that can be found in their parents medicine cabinets or easily attained elsewhere? Why are people so unwilling to shine a light on addictions of every kind and what they are doing to all of us? Please, lets try to identify the kids who would like to get help for addictions and provide them easy access to programs that can help. The tiime is NOW. As JP's uncle said, we have to try everything. This is one thing that we can deal with if we are willing to admit that it is a problem.
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Posted by Ronna Devincenzi, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood, on Sep 1, 2009 at 3:33 pm I thought the comments at the end of the meeting, that the uncle of one teen gave were helpful. Take-aways from what he said were:
1) to allow a child to experience disappointment, without making it a foreign emotion for them. He explained how even a losing team in a child's sport will get a trophy. It made me re-think the value of taking esteem boosters to extreme proportions.
2) eating dinner as a family, to provide a time for open dialog daily
3) recognizing a child may not show traditional text book signs of impending suicide, and may even seem happy & adjusted.
4) showing them unconditional love, based on WHO they are as valued family members and not WHAT they are, as students.
5) TRY EVERYTHING - to reach out to the teens.
I liked that the woman from the Catholic community suggested that parents BE the role models, consistently, and that kids pick up on the example, even if they don't show it at the time. When they grow up, they more often than not, remember. The Jewish representative had a similar take, and her bible quotes (Dueteronomy & Psalms) were excellent, addressing the "raising up a child to remembmer" and that we are not alone, as we have "The Good Shepherd".
I appreciated the Muslim woman's candor, in telling her children how she felt, when they weren't home at a certain time, and that she couldn't sleep until they were home. Her son got the point and was considerate of it, not long after. I liked her suggestion to allow an older person to be grandmother/grandfather, and spoil the child, because it is HER responsibility to discipline them. I know of an Indian couple whose real parents are in India, so they took their teenage son & daughter to a retirement home to do volunteer work, the kids LOVE being there, as in that culture, age is revered, and the seniors LOVE the attention and being needed by the teens. It's a win/win.
I greatly admired and enjoyed the Christian Science speaker that answered the question about redefining "success", and he said success in the faith tradition does not need to be redefined as much as recognized, and he went onto explain the BEattitudes - blessed are the poor in spirit, etc., saying that to master those attitudes is to be successful, in the long run. He reminded me of the wisdom found in Scripture, and that opening up the Bible & studying it is an easy and helpful action step that anyone can do.
I appreciated the speaker that said 'religion' need not be 'cool' as much as relevant, and he went onto explain how faith is relevant to everyone. Since this program was put on by the city, with the mayor, and all the city officials there, and it was standing room only, faith is most certainly relevant. Most particularly because for most faith traditions, this is not the end of life, but there is an afterlife & a reuniting with loved ones, that makes sense, when it's understood.
This was an excellent meeting and time well spent. I liken all the adults there last night and the smattering of teens, to the adults getting "tools" with which to bring home, and the teens will benefit from it, in the long run. It was an ideal meeting, wish there were more seats! Also wish this isn't just a one-time effort.
If a set of "Best Practices" could result from it, they could be shared with other communities, because as the rabbi said, this is not just in Palo Alto.
I was surprised to learn that the PAPD program called "The Parent Project" to equip parents to help troubled youth, was cancelled this fall, due to lack of interest. But happy to hear another class is scheduled this winter.
Thanks to all that put on this event.
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Posted by Parent, a member of the Palo Alto High School community, on Sep 1, 2009 at 5:10 pm I was unable to attend this meeting last night.
I would like to thank these faith organizations for last night's meeting and for the advice they have given to parents and the community. I would like to know what each of them are doing for our teens themselves other than offering advice. Do they have any good youth activities themselves? Are their youth activities fun related and run by experienced youth workers who act as mentors and role models for the teens? Are they reaching out into the community to encourage their youth activities and what sort of numbers do they have and how often are their youth activities? Is there any way to get a list of these youth activities available?
I know Boys Scouts and Girl Scouts have great programs, but for some these activities become just as challenging and stressful as school and sports. I would like to know about regular activities which promote fun and dialog about teen issues as the main focus.
Thank you.
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Posted by Sharon, a resident of the Midtown neighborhood, on Sep 1, 2009 at 5:16 pm
A great event, there needs to be a great follow through to build momentum both through face to face interaction and moderated social networking on NING Web Link
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Posted by agree with lack of discussion about self-medication, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood, on Sep 2, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Concerned Parent,
"I attended the meeting last night and was struck by the fact that nobody was willing to address the issue of substance abuse (teens self-medicating their depression) as a huge issue. "
I agree, self medicating is a BIG deal. I recall reading a post on this forum where it was described that around here, smoking pot is OK, not uncool like smoking. Well, it may be not as "gross" as smoking but marihuana is not tofu.
there should be more on the connection of depression and self-medication
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Posted by Concerned Parent, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood, on Sep 2, 2009 at 1:55 pm HELLO to the last poster. Hey, it's nice to know that somebody else in this town is paying attention. I felt like I was spitting into the wind on my posting. I tried to open a much needed dialogue, knocked and nobody answered the door except you. Thank you for that!
Other parents, when are some of the real problems going to be looked at?????? If we really care about our kids can we afford to continue to deny that alcohol and other drugs are a huge problem in this town (as well as everywhere)? Let's start trying to help the kids by providing places where teens can get help with their addictions or dealing with the feelings that are engendered because their parents are drinking and/or using. This would be a hugely positive result of all this pow wowing the parents are doing. WAKE UP PA PARENTS!!
Thanks for jumping in on this.
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Posted by AAmazed, a resident of the Barron Park neighborhood, on Sep 2, 2009 at 4:00 pm I attended the 8/31 Community Meeting and am glad that the city organized it and concerned community members attended.
I lost a dear friend that was "dual diagnosed" with addiction and depression to suicide. She was not a teen, but she struggled with dealing with life and finding the tools/means to do so without self-medicating.
12 step programs like AA and Ala-Non/Ala-Teen are available for anyone that has an interest to stop drinking (or using). AOpen A Meetings in Santa Clara Co. can be found online at Web Link Open AA Meetings in San Mateo Co. can be found online at Web Link Open Ala-Non/Ala-Teen meetings can be found online at Web Link
I heard that there are a few AA meetings "for" young people and that one especially for teens might be getting started. I encourage parents and teens, friends, anyone that thinks they or have a friend/family member that has a drinking problem to attend an Open AA meeting.
I've been in recovery for a little over 2 years and am amazed at how different and more enjoyable my life is today. It's not too late to start living life with a new freedom and a new happiness.
xo, AAmazed
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Posted by Concerned Parent, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood, on Sep 2, 2009 at 4:58 pm AAmazed: Thanks so much for the compendium of information on how people can find a door into a 12 Step room. Of course there may be other ways as well to get help for people who might not feel comfortable entering an AA meeting (or any similar program). I think there are therapists in our community who counsel people of all ages that call themselves addiction specialists. They can be found in the phone book or people can probably get a referral from a friend. As the uncle of JP said, "Try everything". That is good advice. Changing the way we operate IS possible. Benjamin Franklin said, "When you're finished changing, you're finished" This dialogue is just a beginning of the change we all need to see....and a good one at that. Let's keep moving forward and help our kids!
One of the best questions asked at the program was why can't we have more panels where the kids sit up on stage and talk......hopefully letting us know what is on their minds. Why are so many of our events adults just talking with other adults about what they think might be on kids' minds?
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Posted by Mike, a resident of Los Altos, on Sep 2, 2009 at 6:47 pm Thank you for all the concerned parents and teens. Just so the public does not go astray, but there was no evidence of any substance abuse, alcohol or "self" medicating in the 1st teens death. We need to be careful that we don't go down the wrong path with false assumptions. Though I agree that many of the concerns expressed should be monitored, it was not applicable in this case, so any comments related to substance abuse would not apply here.
I applaud all efforts, however, be careful not to focus too narrowly on an idea that does not apply.
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Posted by agree with lack of discussion about self-medication, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood, on Sep 2, 2009 at 9:31 pm MIke,
Thanks for pointing that out, I think bringing up self-medication is about a genuine concern about how to seek help for teens that could be in the category, not an assumption. All cases are different, but overall self medication is and should be part of the open and frank conversation on health. I've seen several programs for parents and kids on sex education, weight management, but nothing on self-medication or the connection it has with depression. There shouldn't be a taboo about self-medication and it is a good way to bring about the conversation on mental and emotional health or resiliency.
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Posted by Concerned Parent, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood, on Sep 3, 2009 at 6:37 am Mike,
I was not making any assumptions about substances being involved in any of the recent suicides. I agree with "Agree with lack of discussion about self-medication's" response to your comment. I appreciate the fact that you are reading the comments, digesting them and jumping into the dialogue. "Trying everything" (JP Blanchard's uncle's plea to parents) means to look at everything as well that relates to the health of our children, ourselves and our entire commnunity. By the way, whether you want to admit it or not (the professionals will back me up) teens self-medicating with substances is rampant in Palo Alto as well as every other community and is highly related to teen depression in many cases. Just because it has not been identified as a factor in the recent suicides doesn't mean that we should sweep it under the rug nor not post comments on this story that might bring up some things that weren't discussed but could have and should have been discussed. Perhaps this could have been a topic at the Parent Project which was canceled this fall due to lack of parental interest. That makes me
wonder...............definite food for thought! Maybe we need a task force in this town of parents who are concerned about this issue. We could invite the teens to be the panelists and they could tell us what they need.
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Posted by jb, a resident of the Leland Manor/Garland Drive neighborhood, on Sep 3, 2009 at 5:51 pm I think the comments about teens having attachments to elders is a very important idea. I have seen an enthusiastic change in the children crossing the 10 to 13 years old divide, a change that should give us all pause. Upon entering middle school, becoming a teenager or pre-teen, many children feel that they are acquiring a whole new set of exciting mentors— peers! They are joining the "teen tribe"(nomenclature not my own.)
Among my children and their peers I felt a pulling away and whispering of secrets not to be shared or known by adults, and some of this is normal. I over heard conversations about whether experiences were dangerous or sexy enough to be adult. Parents were no longer sources of advice or information on life. The children didn't feel they had to take adult opinions into account in their plans any more. Sorry Mom and Dad, we'll handle this from now on.
I can see that advice about experiences that seem dire could be very black-and white coming from people with little experience in survival. The absence of friends could seem more lonely in a world populated only with people you own age, who are supposed to be your friends. If people going through my experiences don't understand me, how could an adult?
Adolescence is a time of extremes at best. Having the balancing influence of people who have outlived trouble, not just been through trouble can be very helpful. Grown-ups who can be candid about their own experience can give perspective that children can't offer one another. And, of course grown-ups must love and accept the child unconditionally even as they disagree with that child.
The extreme separation of age cohorts that starts in school and childcare arrrangements gives children the idea that they are only comfortable with their own age group. We set up a cycle of the blind leading the blind. Children aren't born knowing about wisdom, growth, or the widespread variety of experience.
Find ways to hold your children close to you. And find ways to integrate your children into any extended family you have and into communities that have wisdom and support and interest to offer young people.
I go out on a limb here, but it might be worth while to find a faith community that teaches and exercises values you agree with and join it. Join it even if you are not sure you are a believer in a diety. You may find you are a believer in community, and that may be enough to be accepted into the group. Church, or wahtever you call it, is a wonderful place to have discussions about ethics, values, how to live, why to live that way, what are the alternatives to lives you have seen.
The best faith communities provide opportunities for the generations to mingle. And there are opportunities for children to find the surrogate parents who can help them navigate some specific hurdle of growing up. Likewise, young people can find adults who can do things they would like to be able to do—auto repair, line dancing, cookie baking, animal care, running a small business, working with younger children, traveling.
It probably isn't a panacea, but holding children closer to us in our adult world can give them a place to belong while they begin to figure out how to make the place they want for themselves in the world.
And if you can't manage such an approach, start working on your own personal problems. Free up time. Let your kids know you are working to be a better parent and a better person. Let them know that you believe they can learn to be resilient and adaptable. That is part of being grown up. And let them know that you love them more than anything or anyone else in the world.
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Posted by AAmazed, a resident of the Barron Park neighborhood, on Sep 3, 2009 at 8:12 pm Hi, I want to try & clarify my earlier post. I wasn't inferring that the recent deaths were related to drug/alcohol addiction. My message is meant for people out there, teens and adults, that may be dealing with their depression by self-medicating. It's not uncommon.
Our community and our problems are diverse. A 12-step program might help some people. I'm simply offering the information in response to the spirit of "let's try everything". AA or Ala-Non might save someone's life.
I found an interesting article about research in depression and self-medication:
“Depression can play a significant role in developing an addiction in adolescence,” agrees Adam C. Brooks, PhD., a research scientist at Treatment Research Institute in Philadelphia. He notes that teens today have a different relationship with prescription drugs than did teens in the past. “They are more prone to see them as a utility and less likely to see them as something dangerous." Excerpt from this website:
Web Link
URL is : news.drugfree.org/2009/07/15/teenage-depression-and-drug-abuse-a-lethal-combination-under-diagnosed-and-under-treated/
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Posted by parent, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood, on Sep 4, 2009 at 10:49 am
AAmazed,
interesting article, thanks,
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