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Uploaded: Wednesday, June 3, 2009, 3:06 PM

Whom to call for help
Resources are available during a crisis

Posted by student, a member of the Gunn High School community, on Jun 3, 2009 at 8:46 pm

They have caller ID and can call your parents back. Correct?

Posted by alternate solution, a resident of the Community Center neighborhood, on Jun 3, 2009 at 10:32 pm

Re: student

While I'm not sure of the answer, you could call from a pay phone. Calling and reaching out is important.

What I hope you and others in high school and middle school will come to understand is that it is pretty common to feel like other people don't completely "get" you. It's real and it can be incredibly lonely, especially if your family situation isn't supportive or adds to an already stressful set of circumstances. What is also fairly common is that with time, sometimes professional help and meds, and changing environments there will be future opportunities for you to encounter a whole bunch of other people...cool people with neat personalities and interests that will take a real interest in you--not you, the one who gets the grades, or you, the one who does XYZ, or you, the one who has achieved so much in so little time....but you, the person. It is important to stick with it and get help through the tough times to get there.

There are lots of people in this community who get it. There are people available who want to help. It is incredibly important and worthwhile to reach out and let someone know when you need help and support. Please call.

Posted by Jay, a resident of the Downtown North neighborhood, on Jun 3, 2009 at 10:54 pm

Are these times we live in harder for children?

I'm 52 and in the four years of high school, not one suicide.

Those were some of the best times for my wife and I.

Please, can someone help us understand what is going on?

Thank you.

Posted by OhlonePar, a resident of the Duveneck/St. Francis neighborhood, on Jun 4, 2009 at 2:32 am

Jay,

From what I can see, the bar for success is set very, very high for kids in this district. Getting into college is extremely competitive right now and these kids have high expectations for themselves. So there's an environment conducive to stress and depression.

Which doesn't mean we know the particulars of why either student killed themselves.

Suicide was a non-issue when I was in school as well, but if you screwed up or dropped out, there were ways back in. And, frankly, just graduating was considered a big deal by a number of families at my high school. No one expected to be perfect--and you didn't have to be. That includes the kids who did get into Harvard, MIT and Stanford.

My sense is the kids don't really see a way out.

Posted by anonymous, a resident of the Duveneck/St. Francis neighborhood, on Jun 4, 2009 at 9:31 am

The current population bubble of high school students makes college application process competitive and stressful. That is a widespread situation.

It is particularly acute here, where so many students/parents wish to attend top colleges, and this is frequently discussed. Really, it's too often the topic of conversation.

Many people are goal-oriented at an earlier age here, and parents often plan carefully for their kids' futures to advantage them with paid tutoring and paid advance preparation for college admissions process. I have strongly objected to this in these forums in that this makes an uneven playing field, very much based on family money and parents' motivation.

I have read a post not too long ago indicating some college admissions teams are taking notice of these "packaged" applicants a lot of whom come from Palo Alto. Some applicants pay thousands for extreme handholding, to have others write their essays! This creates stress for the honest kids doing their own work, though they can look themselves in the mirror and know they are responsible for themselves and capable people -a plus - but it still is stressful when you stand on your own two feet.

I am happy for people to go about their own business, but here, you don't just do your own thing, you are made to be acutely aware of what others are doing, too, can't miss it. Some students openly promote themselves, their SAT scores, their "achievements" which stresses out those who are not as self-promotional. I have noticed a distinct lack of modesty and a lack of privacy in teens' development, scores, grades, etc. It is in poor taste to for teens to constantly broadcase about themselves and their secret weapons (their tutoring, etc.) and serves to dishearten and discourage others who are more private in nature or involved with "different" activities which may not be as valued by this community.

There are a wide range of interests in this world, and certain ones are more likely to be publicized in the newspaper than others.

Several times I have read glamour stories about contrived community service projects which are perceived as valuable for college apps (where Mom actually arranged it) and so on. These are particularly noticeable, sometimes with laughable premises...the student recognized a need for more health care for women in India and therefore founded a nonprofit...it gets silly.

My first recommendation would be to encourage a return to better taste in discussions...limit the constant discussion of the above...recognize there are other qualities to ones self including being conscientious, honest, hardworking, striving, thoughtful, a good reader, artistic, a reliable friend and employee, etc. Students should be able to enjoyable activities and clubs rather than socialize in order to publize/update their record of awards and prizes and grades and SAT scores.

Posted by CaringMom, a member of the Gunn High School community, on Jun 4, 2009 at 9:55 am

Here is another link of where teens can go or call for help:

Web Link

I'd like to work on bringing a National Safe Place to our community so young adults have a place they can call or go to when they are in need. Sadly this is not a "problem" that can be "fixed" like a leaky pipe, it's a life issue that the best thing we can do is provide resources and take the time to listen and care. If anyone else is intersted in working with National Safe Place with me, please respond to my post.

Posted by Paly Parent, a member of the Palo Alto High School community, on Jun 4, 2009 at 12:44 pm

Caring Mom

I am with you on this one.

I would add also, that many kids do get a great deal of support from their churches or other places of worship. I have heard that the Y has great support also for those who hang out there. The Drop has been great for jr. highers, but will not be opening next year due to the library renovations.

Perhaps we could start a list of these type of hang out places where kids can get support and friendship from less "threatening" types of adults. By that, I mean not family members or school officials who they may see as part of the problem. These places are often run by younger adults, nearer the age of the teens, but have been trained and often have similar life experiences.

Posted by OhlonePar, a resident of the Duveneck/St. Francis neighborhood, on Jun 4, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Back to student's original concern. I don't know about these specific lines, but in general, personal information is not disclosed unless the caller is judged to be in immediate danger or an immediate danger to someone else.

There are some teens in horrific family situations, so there's an interested in offering those kids some protection. (This is the crux of the ongoing debate about parental consent with minors and abortion.)

At the college level, there have been lawsuits (don't know how they concluded) because parents weren't notified that their child had sought mental-health services and the girl killed herself. The colleges argue that the students are adults and so not even parents have the right to be told without the student's permission.

So make the call.

Posted by student, a member of the Gunn High School community, on Jun 4, 2009 at 3:38 pm

So they do have caller ID and can disclose personal information.

Posted by OhlonePar, a resident of the Duveneck/St. Francis neighborhood, on Jun 4, 2009 at 4:08 pm

student,

You can block your caller ID. I know that therapists have a code of professional ethics that requires that they not disclose information from sessions unless there's a question of imminent danger.

But really, the easiest way is to block your ID or borrow someone's phone, call them up and ask. They won't lie. People understand that you're not going to trust them if they lie to you or go behind your back.

Are there any adults you trust enough to talk to?

Posted by Alternate solution, a resident of the Community Center neighborhood, on Jun 4, 2009 at 6:42 pm

About student's concern:

If you are still concerned about privacy, what about a prepaid min cell phone from the store? Some are about $30-$40. If buying one is an issue for you, post an updated message here and I'll buy one, drop it off at the Gunn Counseling office or wherever you feel comfortable picking it up. No questions asked.

I just ask that you use it to call one or more of the organizations listed at the top of this string. If you know other kids who need to use it to call for help, I'm fine with that too.

Posted by Sharon, a resident of the Midtown neighborhood, on Jun 4, 2009 at 6:53 pm

Please restrict these threads, they have the potential of real harm and the CDC guidelines are are now well known to PAonline, you risk exposure if there are connected tragedies IMHO

Posted by OhlonePar, a resident of the Duveneck/St. Francis neighborhood, on Jun 4, 2009 at 6:55 pm

Sharon,

This is exactly the kind of information that the CDC recommends being publicized.

Please read the guidelines.

Posted by Sharon, a resident of the Midtown neighborhood, on Jun 4, 2009 at 7:22 pm

[Post removed by Palo Alto Online staff.]

Posted by OhlonePar, a resident of the Duveneck/St. Francis neighborhood, on Jun 4, 2009 at 7:38 pm

[Post removed by Palo Alto Online staff.]

Posted by Good posts, a resident of the Barron Park neighborhood, on Jun 5, 2009 at 7:16 pm

I'm enjoying these positive postings. As for student's question, I would also gladly buy and donate a prepaid phone. A town like this should be able to contribute quite a few. Student, please get back to us here.

Posted by student, a member of the Gunn High School community, on Jun 6, 2009 at 12:10 am

back to you here. thank you for offering, but I'll be okay. perhaps you could make such cell phones available for other students.

Posted by OhlonePar, a resident of the Duveneck/St. Francis neighborhood, on Jun 6, 2009 at 12:50 am

student,

It also occurs to me that if you go to the Web sites they should have information on whether the calls are confidential. The confidentiality laws in this state are pretty strong, so I tend to think you'll have some privacy.

Posted by Alternate solution, a resident of the Community Center neighborhood, on Jun 6, 2009 at 11:17 am

Thank you for checking back in, student.

Would students feel comfortable picking up a prepaid cell phone from the Gunn Counseling Office? I'd be happy to contact the office on Monday to make whatever arrangements necessary. I'm also flexible about dropping them off at a different community location where students might gather for support. I appreciate your help in cluing me in to what might be helpful.

Thank you for letting us know you'll be okay. I hope you have access to all the support you need during this difficult time.

If you have any other suggestions for how people in the community can better support you and your peers, please post them. We're listening.

Posted by xacked, a resident of the Leland Manor/Garland Drive neighborhood, on Jun 8, 2009 at 12:49 am
xacked is a member (registered user) of Palo Alto Online

As a Paly grad, it's absolutely heartbreaking to hear about the two suicides from my Gunn friends at UCSD. Props to Daines and Kent for carrying out this project, the symbolic value is just as strong as the act.

I'm thankful that at my time at Paly, nobody took that tragic path.

It's time for students to open their hearts to their friends and family. It's going to take self-motivation and a lot of community outreach but the cost of complacency is far too great. It's time for everyone to be their neighbor's keeper, and it may mean people need to step outside their comfort zones and get to know someone who's going through the same troubles they are.

Posted by karen lenke, a member of the Gunn High School community, on Jun 8, 2009 at 12:21 pm

For helpful and inspiring ideas that counteract the pull of suicide as well as healing answers to despair - here are websites with podcasts and articles that have an abundance of spiritual ideas to respond to any need, any time, for anyone.

www.tmcyouth.com

spirituality.com

Posted by Family Member, a resident of the Midtown neighborhood, on Jun 9, 2009 at 11:27 am

This morning I noticed the signs and flowers at West Meadow had been removed from the fence. The signs about JP were very touching and the family would appreciate keeping them as a memory of the love JP inspired. Does anyone know where it is and how we might obtain it? Thank you.

Posted by Addison parent, a member of the Addison School community, on Jun 9, 2009 at 9:26 pm

I am a young mom of 3 young children. I read about the pressures and stresses kids endure especially in Palo Alto and the resulting suicides. I worry for my kids and I worry for all the kids going through it today. I grew up with my share of emotional issues and outside pressures and those long years are still very clear in my mind. I know what it's like and it can be very lonely and desperate. I have no training other than to say I have personal experience. I would like to be a shoulder to cry on for any teen that needs it. How can I help?