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The room was set up like a college-admissions fair, with smiling school representatives standing behind brochure-lined tables answering parents' questions and shiny clipboards available for those wanting to join mailing lists or get on waiting lists.

But there was one big difference: The schools didn't have names like Smith or Stanford but rather Heffalump and Casa dei Bambini. And the students would all be under 5 years old.

This was a preschool fair, held earlier this fall in Palo Alto — a chance for parents, with children in slings and strollers, to gather information and tame the anxiety they might be feeling about picking the "right" preschool.

The fear, parents and educators say, is pervasive.

Mothers and fathers worry that choosing the "wrong" preschool will leave their children unprepared for kindergarten — or worse, harm their chances in 15 years for getting into the colleges they want.

Part of parents' unease comes from the lack of a roadmap for choosing a preschool, speculates Allison Chao, president of the 3,000-member Palo Alto-Menlo Park Parents' Club. There is no reference book to pull out, and the best they can do is talk to neighbors and friends and do their own research, she said.

"You are overwhelmed. What's the difference in teaching style? ... And how many days [a week to enroll your child? There's just this need for preschool information," she said.

For years, the club tried to provide help in the form of a tattered preschool binder, which contained parental reviews and evaluations of local preschools. The single binder, passed around from parent to parent, was in such high demand there was a weeks-long waiting list for it, she said.

Over the last five years the binder multiplied into four 3-inch-thick binders. Just last month the club converted the contents into an online database, accessible by members. Last month, the group also sponsored the preschool fair, which included a talk by a parent-education expert about picking preschools.

Even after parents settle on a few potential schools, they say the enrollment process, and the competition surrounding it, causes angst.

Palo Alto stay-at-home mother Stephanie Quay attended the preschool fair to look into schools for her 6-month-old daughter. Her child is already on "a few" waiting lists, she said. Quay has a good idea of what she's looking for in a preschool but acknowledged the anxiety floating around in the minds of parents like her.

"There's such a fear around this area; it's hard to say whether you'll get into the school you want, or the school that's best for your child. There's some anxiety that you won't get into the one you want, and you just hope you did all the research and go through all the steps to get your child on a waitlist and hope it works out."

Parents worry they haven't signed up for enough waiting lists, echoed Palo Alto lawyer Evan Johnson. The schools don't really give parents a clue about where they're at on the list or if they have a chance of getting in.

"They don't say, 'If you sign up now, you'll get in.' You just have to place your bets," he said.


Stephanie Agnew, a parent educator who gives talks on picking a preschool, sympathizes with parents. In addition to the numerous preschools in the area — 47 attended the Palo Alto-Menlo Park Parents' Club fair — she identifies six different philosophies employed by local preschools: developmental or play-based; academic or "structured"; Montessori; international or language-focused; Waldorf; and Reggio Emilia.

But a preschool's exact philosophy or the number of days per week the child attends may not be as critical to their kid's future success as some parents believe.

"The most important thing about preschool is learning how to be part of a group, and being and making friends," said Agnew, who works for Parents Place in Palo Alto and San Mateo.

Kindergarten teachers look for mastery in three areas: self-care and motor skills, self-regulation and social expression, she said. They want to see children who can control impulses [be able to sit still and listen for a while, perform basic tasks such as using a pencil or crayon, participate in circle time, follow directions, play cooperatively, express themselves verbally and through symbols, express needs and exhibit a curiosity for learning.

"Kindergarten is no longer the place where kids first enter school. It's no longer designed to be the first experience of school. The vast majority of kids have been in preschool or other care [before," Agnew said.

"What they don't learn at home is how to function in a [peer group. The academic skills are the least important things" to ready children for kindergarten, she said. Once those "self" skills and social skills are in place, then learning to count, recognize letters, colors and shapes, and writing their name and engaging with books comes more easily, she added.

For preschool director Kristy Roos-Taylor, the proof is in the sandbox. Roos-Taylor, who directs and teaches at the Menlo-Atherton Cooperative Nursery School, said play — no matter what it is — helps children learn to make their own decisions.

"If they play in the sandbox all year, that's OK," she said. "Developmentally what children need at nursery school is play."

To the inexperienced eye, her preschool might look like chaos. But Roos-Taylor begs to differ.

She aims to set out toys and other equipment, such as blocks, puzzles and art materials, in a way that fosters the ability to make choices.

"Every part of the classroom is thought out. Everything that is out inspires creativity and imagination and social development."

Furthermore, she added, those worried about the future academic success of their children usually need not fear.

"Everything they're doing is a pre-reading skill or a pre-math skill," she said. For example, picking up play dough helps little hands learn to pick up a pencil later.

Preschool, say teachers and experts, is the place to learn to make friends and solve problems, skills that will serve children well in elementary school. Not only that, but even dress-up has been shown to help increase "executive function," that part of the brain people use to talk to themselves about what they're doing and what they will do next.

Many teachers say that piece — that play is learning, too — is key.

"I wish I could reach more parents, because I think the parents in this area are so competitive because they don't have somebody telling them they can relax," Roos-Taylor said.

Preschool Family Director Sharon Keplinger can relate. She's had parents come in to consider enrolling their children who tell her they want to make sure that their preschooler will go to college.

"I tell them, 'Let's just make sure they're ready for kindergarten,'" she said.

The purpose of preschool, Keplinger said, is to give children the social/emotional and physical behaviors they need to be ready for school.

Parents who worry about their children being ready for kindergarten can take heart. A recent study by the San Mateo and Santa Clara county offices of education asked kindergarten teachers if the children coming in met their expectations for readiness. The result was that 74 percent of San Mateo County and 62 percent of Santa Clara County kindergartners walk through their classroom doors at least on par with teachers' expectations.


Seasoned parents, who now have kindergartners, are also encouraging of those who are choosing a preschool for the first time. They report being satisfied with their choices, especially as they watch their children thrive in kindergarten.

Some parents simply chose a school close to home. Others looked for a specific philosophy or degree of parent involvement. Others just wanted a certain vibe.

One Palo Alto single mother active in the local Jewish community said her decision came down to the feel of her daughter's school, the Jewish Community Center preschool in Palo Alto.

"Frankly, the kids at the JCC just seemed the happiest. Every time I walked in, it felt like a wonderful community with kids who loved being at school. I knew I wanted a play-based setup, so happy kids, combined with wonderful community ... sealed the deal."

Some parents who work full-time, like Peninsula optometrist Carole Hong, don't have time to do research themselves, so they rely on friends' research and word of mouth. For her first two children, she chose a school within walking distance of her home. For her third child, now in her second year of preschool, it was more of a last-minute decision. She pulled her out of the school the siblings had gone to in order to give her a chance to attend a new Mandarin-immersion program.

Some parents looked at their children's temperaments and tried to match them to a school. One Menlo Park mother of three, who requested anonymity, chose Trinity School because of its intimacy.

"I liked the teacher, who seemed dedicated and truly felt that teaching preschool was an important thing to do, and I just liked the way the school felt — warm, friendly and in tune with the kids developmentally."

Her son also attended a junior kindergarten that employed the Reggio Emilia philosophy.

"He was fairly well-prepared for kindergarten," she said. Her second child attended the same school, and her third went to a cooperative nursery school.

"My thoughts on education have evolved a lot since I have had kids and since my kids have gotten older. There is a lot of pressure on kids to perform well in school. I think that when they are 3, 4 or 5, you've got to let them be little kids."

Portola Valley resident Tricia Christiansen admits to having been nervous about whether she had made the right choice — up until her son started kindergarten in August.

But now she is convinced she did. One of her main concerns was that in kindergarten, her son would be bused from the Ladera neighborhood in Portola Valley all the way to Las Lomitas School in Menlo Park. So, she wanted him to be in preschool with children from his neighborhood who would also be making that trek.

She chose Ladera Community Church Preschool, which was just a short drive from her home.

"I know from graduate school that [play-based is developmentally appropriate, although it gets a little nerve-wracking as a parent when you see children in more academic preschools who have all those skills like writing, cutting, coloring.

"I was extremely worried about his readiness for kindergarten since Ladera is play-based. But he has learned so many 'academic' skills in the past two months I think it did not matter. I think he has a fantastic teacher, and she is working hard to build confidence while also bringing all of the kids up to the same level. In other words, since he has such a terrific teacher I really did not need to worry at all."

Many local experts say the goal of choosing a preschool simply boils down to finding the right fit for one's child, whether that decision is made by the preschool's vibe, one's impressions of a teacher or the philosophy.

"Ultimately," said Agnew of Parents Place, "what feels like the best thing for your family is what's best for your child."