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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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"5 Sex Languages" and Three Categories of Sex

Uploaded: Apr 21, 2016
There’s a new book called 5 Sex Languages by Dr. Douglas Weiss that I think will be helpful to couples. The five sex languages are: Fun; Desire; Pleasure; Patience; and Acceptance/Celebration.

After describing these sex languages, Dr. Weiss continues with addressing roadblocks; asking for sex; taking responsibility; agreeing; “agreedients” and the phases of sex, and the application of the 5 sex languages to the phases.

Some things I especially like:

1. I’ve written a lot about The Five Love Languages and how when you begin to give to your beloved in their love language, they actually feel loved (as opposed to giving in your own love language. While these acts of love in your language are received as a nice gesture, it doesn’t fill their “love tank”).

So having an equivalent 5 Sex Languages is going to be very useful for couples. Once you accept the other person’s sex language (and no, you can’t change their sex language), and they accept yours, you can create the sex life that works for both of you.

2. The focus is on body, mind and soul, or relational sex.

3. The roadblocks section in which Dr. Weiss outlines what he calls “intimacy anorexia” in a marriage or committed relationship that includes: Busy; Blame; Withholding love; Withholding praise; Withholding sex; Withholding spirituality; Feelings; Criticism; Anger/Silence; Money; and Roommate.

4. The book is full of detailed and useful information and a few pertinent worksheets.

5. He suggests you take turns planning dates. When you plan, you make sure it’s fun for you (then the anxiety of planning the perfect date for your partner is put to bed).

6. The author discusses the healthy and unhealthy expressions of each sex language.

A few things I did not like about 5 Sex Languages:

1. In the resolving abuse section he advocates beating on a bed or pillows and shouting “No” to the perpetrator. Beating on things is an old therapy method that has gone out of use because we create pathways in the brain by behaving in certain ways. And we don’t want to create neural pathways for beating on things. If you have been raped or otherwise sexually abused, seeing a therapist is likely the best thing to do.

2. Issues such as menopause are not discussed.

3. The book has a few odd typos, sentences that go nowhere, etc. A good copywriter would catch them. But it’s worth the read; just ignore those.

I wrote a blog in 2010 called the Categories of Sexuality (Sexual Trance; Role Playing; Partner Engagement) and I definitely recommend you read it as well. These three categories are from Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, who describes the research of Donald Mosher regarding three categories — or styles — of sex (pg. 244-260).

I find the descriptions from the 5 Sex Languages and the Three Categories of Sex helpful for couples because people tend toward one style and then think their partner is doing sex wrong if s/he has a different style.

Happy reading and experimenting to you. And here’s to a better and great sex life!

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Posted by Curmudgeon, a resident of Downtown North,
on Apr 21, 2016 at 11:04 pm

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