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Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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See Me. Hear Me. Don't Fix Me.

Uploaded: Aug 22, 2014
It seems so simple. But to see, listen and not fix is harder than to reassure or apologize.

We need to know our spouse gets us. We are competent, intelligent people that can solve a problem.

What we all want is to be loved. We know we are loved by being seen, heard and given empathy. Having each others' back. Seeking comfort and sex from one another. Creating a home that is a haven.

I know you've read this on Couple's Net before. It's because these are the basics.

Sit with her/him. Breathe through your own discomfort. Reflect back what you hear and offer words of empathy (that must feel . . .; sounds hard . . .; you wanted it to go a different way . . ., etc.) Just be there, supporting, caring, loving.

Hold back the fixing words. In the end, it will fix your marriage.

Photo by imelenchon


 +  Like this comment
Posted by anniversary, a resident of Leland Manor/Garland Drive,
on Aug 26, 2014 at 11:00 am

Interesting that this was posted on my 27th wedding anniversary. Too bad I didn't see it then and show it to my husband. You hit the nail on the head about the main thing missing in my marriage, which otherwise is quite strong and satisfying. Thank you for giving me this tool. I'll show it to my husband tonight.

 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on Aug 26, 2014 at 3:17 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Happy Anniversary! You are welcome. I hope this tool will provide many more, and even better, years together.

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