Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

What is the new couple's paradigm these days?

Uploaded: Jul 16, 2014
On TV and in movies one seems to see a lot of serial relationships. Almost every character is dealing with an ex, and kids, and the incumbent problems.

Great question. I am certain that when the majority of people say, "I do," they mean it for a lifetime.

What's missing is education about what comes after the wedding, the work needed, communication tools, the crashing of family systems, and so on. There are usually six people in the marriage: the two of us and our four parents.

We have to create a marriage that is you and me and the third entity, our marriage. The question is, "What's good for our marriage?" needs to supersede, "What's good or important for me?"

Most marriages can be worked on and make it with growth and secure attachment ? in other words, happy, loving, content, sexual, fulfilling.

But not by leaving things alone, sweeping topics under the rug, or taking each other for granted.

Many people put tons of effort into their education and career and are very successful. Use that same skill set to educate yourselves relationally.

Check out the Connect2 Recommended Reading List for the beginning of your marital education.

The TV and movies you mention where the kids are soaking up the conversations between ex-s and blended families, are usually complicated and maybe torturous.

Your point about serial relationships is well noted. We tend to end up picking another partner that has many of the same traits the last one(s) did ? it's often our inner work to heal the wounds so we have healthier relationships.


There are no comments yet for this post
Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Mademoiselle Colette, now open in downtown Menlo Park
By Elena Kadvany | 23 comments | 4,066 views

Do we want a palo alto where only the rich can move here to live
By Steve Levy | 51 comments | 2,433 views

By Chandrama Anderson | 1 comment | 1,284 views

The Big Four - Part one
By Laura Stec | 5 comments | 1,198 views

Breakfast for dinner
By Sally Torbey | 10 comments | 657 views