Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

From Crazy in Love to Love of My Life

Uploaded: Oct 8, 2013
When we were courting (yes, I know that's an old fashioned word), we were on our best behavior without any effort. We were trying to win over our beloved. S/he was the most amazing person we'd ever met. So beautiful/handsome. So sexy. Our hearts beat faster just thinking about each other. We couldn't wait for the day's events that kept us apart to be over so we could be together again. We hardly needed to sleep! We gazed into each others' eyes, laughed over silly nothings, created our own in-jokes, told each other every little thing, discussed our philosophies of life, walked hand-in-hand, listened to music and "our" song, went to The City, rode hard on our bikes together, tasted each others' food at restaurants, told each other how wonderful, smart, creative, and incredible we were, walked on the beach at sunset, went away for long romantic weekends, listened closely to each others' life stories, brought little gifts or flowers to one another, picked up lattes for each other, were proud to introduce each other to friends and family . . . the list of things we did and wanted to do were endless . . .

I'm sure that list didn't include taking you for granted, rolling my eyes when you talk, not having sex very often, paying more attention to my device(s) than to you, working till all hours, shutting you out, criticizing and focusing on who is right or wrong, getting defensive and judging each others' parenting styles and in-law interactions. Phew. Just writing that makes me tired.

All of us may dip into those poor behaviors now and then. Hopefully not often, and hopefully not for any extended length of time.

As the Talking Heads sing so aptly, "How did I get here?" And even more importantly, how will we get back to being a happy couple, at least most of the time?

There is a healthy, sustainable positive cycle of love and commitment – of inter-dependence –that we can reach and enjoy over our lifetime together.
In this couple's blog I will expand on all of these topics and more, in greater detail. They encompass neuroscience and couples, years of research by the best in the field on what is needed for couples to stay together -- happily, and not just for the kids; essentially how to go from being good partners to being a couple again.

Over time, I will integrate knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples.

I look forward to hearing your comments and questions, and yes, I'm a therapist, I want to know how you feel about what I say here. I will do my best to answer as quickly as I can.

If you want one take-away this week: Do a lot of what you did when you were dating.

Comments

 +  Like this comment
Posted by Just some guy, a resident of Sylvan Park,
on Oct 8, 2013 at 11:50 am

"Do a lot of what you did when you were dating." Dropping a beer in her lap by accident and locking my keys in the car!....LOL - But seriously this is the best article I have read online in a couple months. Thank you for taking the time to help families.

I recently lost my job of 13 years (which is when I met my wife) I'm a younger parent kinda act like a kid myself- I'm 33 and my daughter is 10. Being unemployed has bought new stresses to my relationship that I didn't expect. Financially we are fine but my wife seems to have resentment for working a 40 hour week. It has also seemed to have made 3 different relationships in our house. Anyways thanks for the read, I had to reply.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on Oct 8, 2013 at 5:04 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

What do you mean that it has "made 3 different relationships in our house"?


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Thought it was obvious...., a resident of Sylvan Park,
on Oct 8, 2013 at 9:59 pm

Me and my wife- me and my daughter- and my wife and daughter. It feels sepersted.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on Oct 9, 2013 at 9:21 am

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

I asked as I always like to clarify (assume means . . .).

Sounds like you are discontent with the separations as they currently exist. Without knowing you, I would suggest focusing on reconnecting with your wife and getting that solid again as the best use of effort and energy.

From a couples context, I think of the three entities as you, your wife and your marriage. Each person puts work into making the marriage solid. Then the rest follows from that secure base.

It's worth the work. All my best to you.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by James, a resident of Sylvan Park,
on Oct 9, 2013 at 11:16 am

I appreciate you're insight, thank you. I hope others take advantage of this opportunity.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Mariana, a resident of Downtown North,
on Oct 11, 2013 at 1:55 am

I've been visiting one of my friends (and his parents) in Italy for 20 years, and the part that I loved the most was watching his parents --who have been happily married for 60 years (they are over 80 years old!)-- just be together. Every time I would come home, I would try to remember whatever it was that they did so that I could apply those things to my 20 year relationship. Reading your article finally made me realize, that what they do is everything you described in the first half of this article!

All the observation and analysis I could have saved just by reading your article! Thank you for that, and hope that other takes this and apply it to relationships.

It's so enchanting and refreshing to see people in love at any age!


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on Oct 11, 2013 at 1:38 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

My grandparents were married for 62 years before my grandpa died. They held hands whenever they walked someplace. He carried the clothes for her that she wanted to try on in the store, and sat in the chair near the dressing room. She brought him a bowl of ice cream in the evening when they watched TV together . . . Thanks for writing in.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Mariana, a resident of Downtown North,
on Oct 17, 2013 at 12:35 pm

PS, Talking about holding hands: Once I came home and developed photos of the said older Italian couple, and I realized that when they posed for photographs, they would always hold hands. That was so sweet.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on Oct 18, 2013 at 9:12 am

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Try holding hands with your honey this weekend . . . Let us know how it goes.



Don't miss out on the discussion!
Sign up to be notified of new comments on this topic.

Email:

Follow this blogger (Receive an email when blogger makes a new post)

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Posting an item on Town Square is simple and requires no registration. Just complete this form and hit "submit" and your topic will appear online. Please be respectful and truthful in your postings so Town Square will continue to be a thoughtful gathering place for sharing community information and opinion. All postings are subject to our TERMS OF USE, and may be deleted if deemed inappropriate by our staff.

We prefer that you use your real name, but you may use any "member" name you wish.

Name: *

Select your neighborhood or school community: * Not sure?

Comment: *

Verification code: *
Enter the verification code exactly as shown, using capital and lowercase letters, in the multi-colored box.

*Required Fields

Best High Dives to Watch the Game
By Laura Stec | 14 comments | 2,518 views

Flirtation
By Chandrama Anderson | 1 comment | 1,397 views

King of the Slides
By Cheryl Bac | 2 comments | 1,080 views

The Future of our Parks: Public Workshops this Week
By Cathy Kirkman | 0 comments | 529 views

NO MEAT ATHLETE Workout/Running Group
By Max Greenberg | 2 comments | 406 views